Established 1776

With your help, we can raise $1,000,000 of awareness.

Repeat elevator button pushers = humankind

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (9 votes, average: 4.56 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...

People who hit the elevator button additional times

People who have no arms, no legs, no nose, or any other suitable protrusion, and are in a coma

So this idea has been sent to me from a number of people and stated in a number of different ways, but the gist of it is that people are pissed off when people either hit the elevator button more than once or when they come up and hit the button after someone else has already hit it.

But here’s the problem, folks: you’re all hypocrites.

There is not a single human being on earth who has been exposed to an elevator and not hit the elevator button after it’s already lit up.  Nobody.  You could go pick up a newborn aboriginal, and if there was a way to reach it, he would sit there rapping on the button with his baby boomerang, saying, “how long is this piece of junk going to take?”.  And then crap his loincloth.

This happens because human beings are not inately capable of trust or patience.  If someone else has pushed the button, we cannot trust that person to be as highly intelligent as us: they must not be capable of a proper button press.  This complicated procedure should only be carried out by trained and experienced professionals.  Second, we lack the patience to wait 4 seconds for an elevator to respond.  We are man, this is machine.  We are the superior race, therefore we demand service.

When I took the elevator up to the 6th floor at work (the top floor) this morning, the elevator interacted with 7 people.  First floor, 5 people get on.  The first three people push 3, 5, and 6.  The next two re-push 3 and then 6.  The first person, standing closest to the left bank of buttons, begins jamming “door close”.

Nobody talks.

Ding!  We’re on 3.  Two people exit.  The right-bank button operator begins hitting “door close”, but a hand shoots into the opening, opening the doors.  In a socially-awkward recovery, the man starts now hitting “door open” (the doors are already opening, but thanks for the help).  5 is hit…again…by the new passenger.

Ding! We’re on 5.  Two more exit.  One more person gets on.  My fellow passenger says “this one’s going up”, which is actually two statements in one: 1) “If you’re meaning to go down, this elevator is not for you”, and 2) “If you’re riding the elevator up one floor, fuck you.”

New passenger: “Oh, no.  I’m going up, but thanks.”  6 pushed, then door close pushed.  A double.

We get up to 6, everyone disembarks, and it’s over.

So thanks for the idea, but try to give me two types of people next time.  What’s next, “Guys who look at porn and guys who don’t?”

You can do better.

Share with other people:
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • del.icio.us
  • Reddit
  • StumbleUpon
  • TwitThis
  • Sphinn
  • E-mail this story to a friend!

November 19, 2008 | Filed Under at work, in general 

comments

One Response to “Repeat elevator button pushers = humankind”

  1. Garrett F on November 19th, 2008

    Wow, Evan’s pissed. Some hairy-chested left-lane lurker must’ve thrown a half-eaten Filet-o-Fish out of his window which hit Mr. LaPointe’s windshield. And, as we all know, Mr. LaPointe definitely pulled into the left shoulder via the HOV lane (illegally), scraped off the splattered remains to find that a cheese slice had never been placed on the filet. That explains two things: 1) why the FoF was initially ejected from the Robin Williams look-alike in the Toyota Tercel that could barely break 45mph and 2) why Evan’s so pissed.

    It comes down to the fucking cheese slice. Sorry man.

Leave a Reply




  • subscribe to this blog



     Subscribe to RSS

    Subscribe with Bloglines

    Add to Google

    Add to Technorati Favorites

    why you are here...

    You are here because you are awesome and you celebrate awesomeness.

    You are here to read a new post every weekday.

    You are here because there are two types of people in the world: people who are here, and people who suck.