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Christmas is a time to tell people you’re better than them

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People who write the Christmas update

People who hate the Christmas update, but read them anyhow, out of curiosity

Every year, I get more Christmas cards than I have friends.  When we send Christmas cards out, we usually go to Target, pick up a card that looks festive, and send them off to people who would not ask the question, “Honey, do we know this person?”  I think that’s a pretty sensible approach to pretty much all correspondence.  If a sender anticipates that a recipient may not know them, save the postage.

But of course, we all know that getting cards from people we hardly know isn’t the real crime of the Christmas season.  The real agony is in getting those “here’s what’s going on in our lives” letters that either accompany the card or replace it altogether.  You know, the 14-page account of every time the baby giggled, how the dog’s hips are feeling, and how the husband got lost trying to speak French to some shop owner in Bordeaux.  These updates exist for one reason only: to make you jealous.  During Christmastime, everyone is the Joneses.

Sorry it’s short this year, folks.  We’re just finished refueling the jet and we have to hurry off to Aspen.  To think, it was just 10 days ago we were in Hawaii for our short 7 month vacation.  Little Bobby just graduated Harvard and has started a hedge fund that has doubled every month since he began.  He’s going to sell it to the Japanese and use the proceeds to bring Mother Theresa back from the dead.  Hope all is well with your families, because we’re GREAT!  And as bad as it gets, we’re always better than you!

I am pretty sure that the precise number of people in this world that give a shit what is going on in someone else’s life is exactly equal to the number of women Richard Simmons has made love to.  Despite this, we all sit down with a nice warm glass of “I can’t stand these people” and read every page; every word.  We’re curious.  Has there been any failure in their life since their Shit-zoo learned how to tightrope walk last year?  Has their 15 year old who made the varsity football team last year turned to cocaine?  What about that little Korean girl they adopted – the one who won the state chess tournament when she was 5, and again at 17?  I thought I heard something about her and the tennis coach. . .

But no.  These essays of envy are not honest.  They don’t talk about when mom had too much chardonnay and told her children that daddy had erectile dysfunction.  They don’t talk about how everyone that was there on that family trip hated every minute of their time together.  That every second that passed between shots with the $4,000 digital SLR camera that stays in “Easy Mode” was spent yelling, complaining, and moaning about everything conceivable.  No, these are the Kodak moment essays that represent the true story through a rose lens:

“We refinished the basement”
- Tom spent 4 weekends cussing at the contractor while I wondered if I could trust these Mexicans in my house.

“Tina is adjusting well to college life”
- We haven’t been able to reach Tina in 4 months.  Her roommate said that she’s being released from rehab in a week or so.  We hope it’s a joke, but really aren’t sure.

“We’re loving our matching BMW convertibles”
- Suck it, my friends.  We’ve got it made, and you do not.

So I realize that it’s too late to change things this year, but for the love, give it a break next year.  Just go to Target and get a festive card, send it to people who know who you are, and let us all rest.  Then you’ll have two years to rub in our face when you sit down to figure out how to rhyme your entire Christmas card.

“Honey . . . what rhymes with learjet?”

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December 23, 2008 | Filed Under Uncategorized, in general, my life 

comments

6 Responses to “Christmas is a time to tell people you’re better than them”

  1. brad on December 23rd, 2008

    Those letters a supposed to be enjoyed as works of fiction. Short stories that reveal how people wish their life was.

  2. Jess on December 23rd, 2008

    In this economy it’s more like “We’re loving our matching BMW convertibles”…
    ….”until the repo man finds us. Should be harder as a result of the fact that we’ve crashing at her parents’ place since the foreclosure”

  3. Jess on December 23rd, 2008

    typo!!! “we’ve BEEN crashing”
    apologies. i freaking hate typos.

  4. David Plant on January 5th, 2009

    We actually got one a couple of years ago that was almost entirely about a grandmother who had recently died a very painful and agonizing death after suffering through a very long, painful, and agonizing illness. Then they wrapped it up with a quick recap of their travels for the year.

    Merry Christmas, indeed.

  5. Barb on January 6th, 2009

    I got a letter somewhat like David’s last year, except it was about the beloved cat that had died, with lots of pictures. Now, I’m not a cat lover, but I understand how someone can miss their cat, but you need to get over the mourning eventually. This years letter was half about the decision to get a new cat…… and the rest about vacations taken.

  6. Evan on January 6th, 2009

    I have resolved to write a Christmas update this year. It is going to be completely fabricated. Keep this stuff coming, because I’ll use it all in the letter. send me your address if you want to get it.

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