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Social stupidity at 10,000 ft

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People who pull on the back of your chair to get out of their seat (on an airplane)

People who were not dropped on their head as a baby

Ok, this one really gets me going. Probably one of the biggest peeves in my entire life is when someone other than me interacts with my seat on an airplane, the greatest offense being the use of the seat in front of them to get up and lug their dumb ass to go pee on the wall in the lavatory.

But this is not the only chair-related offense:

- Why does it take 200 lbs of force to get a frakkin magazine out of the magazine holder? It isn’t a damn bear trap, it’s elastic. Be gentle.

- Why do you not believe that the meal tray is in a sufficiently upright position to latch it? You do not have to push the tray through the seat. You only need to get it up against the back of the seat lightly and turn the little thing with the useless coat hanger hook down.

- In what universe is your kid practicing his Tae Kwon Do on my seat okay? Strap that little bastard down before I do the parenting.

But the king of kings is definitely the chair-pull to get out of the seat. Beyond all else, this wind up and slingshot of my cranium is what makes me want to test how heated an argument can get before the air marshal reveals his identity.

I have narrowed the causes of this issue down to three:

  • Overweight
  • Oblivious
  • Overweight and Oblivious

Obviously the overweight one is going to happen: this is America, after all. Overweight people in America need help breathing, walking, looking, hearing, sleeping, staying awake, controlling restless legs, you name it (I’m just going off of the pills that exist, not my own judgement), so of course they’re going to need some sort of secondary power source to get themselves out of their seat: their arms on my chair.

I’m not sure what to do about that one, so I usually just offer a displeased look, which offers the question “are you just overweight, or overweight and oblivious?”, depending on whether I get a “sorry” or not. With a “sorry”, I can be reasonably happy and forgiving. Without one, I am tempted to be a real jerk: I’m not sure if you have feeling in that skin drapery that used to be your triceps, but it’s being dragged across my head and I want to puke in my mouth.

Oblivious is just unacceptable. If you do anything in this world and do not know what the effect of it is, you need to stop everything you’re doing. Everything. There is no such thing as a victimless crime. Don’t fart in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble: the cookbooks are right on the other side and you have a victim. Don’t back your car out of your parking space without looking: someone else who is not a moron is driving down the aisle and they really don’t believe that anyone is stupid enough to continue doing what you’re doing, but you do. Don’t bring your 3 year old into a nice restaurant: that should speak for itself. Just stop all of your behaviors and start using your eyes, ears, and brain to understand a new way of going about your life without annoying others. And for the love of everything holy, don’t EVER pull on the back of someone’s chair in an airplane. Figure out how to get yourself out of your own seat without using the buddy system, or just sit there and let the blood clots form in your legs.

Sincerely,
the victims

p.s. I’m sorry. This is a little mean, but holy balls does this one get me going.

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September 12, 2008 | Filed Under travel 

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