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there are two types of people in the world – sometimes updated weekdaily

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Airport Security Is Hell

People who are prepared for airport security

People who are about to go through a 2 minute period of complete hysteria

One of the most amazing displays of human behavior happens in the 35 feet of space in front of (and the 15 feet past) the metal detector at an airport: personal artifact diarrhea.

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to take out all of your fancy things I can’t afford……….Sir?…SIR…DID YOU HEAR ME?…HEY, GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF THE BAG OR I WILL CALL THEM TO COME TAKE YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM

When infrequent travelers (or stupid people) travel, there is a short ritual they must endure before they get to put their snowman sweaters back on and see the cousins for the holidays. Of course, I’m talking about airport security. A barrage of questions – “Do you have any liquids” “Darlin’ you sure you warnt me to answar that?” “Is there a laptop or camcorder in this bag?” “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, but you sure are pretty” – that they have never heard before. The power struggle of negative net worth TSA employees yelling at high net worth people, and the subtext that ensues. And of course, the wanding, if you’re lucky enough.

But what really gets me fired up is the part at the conveyor belt. The part where the bag has to go up, the jackets, shoes, and hats have to come off, laptops have to be removed, and composure falls to the curb. This is where people completely lose their minds, and their belongings. Why does it take 9 bins to put what once fit into one purse through the x-ray? Why do you continue to set off the metal detector repeatedly, remembering every single piece of metal on your body one at a time? And most importantly, why do you refuse to lose your place in line while you take 12 minutes to disassemble your baggage carrier? Let people pass!

Now people who are not prepared for security are unbelievably annoying, but people who are prepared can be equally annoying, and arrogant to boot (there will be a separate post on arrogant frequent travelers). You know, these are they guys who are dressed in their brown leather shoes with tassels, wear a sport coat and thin-rimmed glasses, and bring nothing but a Grisham novel through security. If they do bring a bag, the laptop is out of it and the bag is on the conveyor belt in seconds. They are pros, and they know it.

But the shame I am trying to bring today is not on these guys. As prissy as they can be, frequent travelers know what they’re doing at security and they deserve a pat on the back. The shame lands solely on the inexperienced.

I saw a line in Orlando’s airport that didn’t use words like “first class” and “coach” to segregate the lines, but instead went with “experienced travelers” and “infrequent travelers”, thinking that was nicer. Well I thought this was a great idea, so I hoofed right up to “experienced travelers” and tried to get through, only to realize that this was indeed first class. Now that’s presumptuous, isn’t it? That frequent travelers all fly first class?

So I may have been rejected that day, but I will cast my vote now: make this the type of line we work with from here on out. Let the amateurs have their line and the pros and aspiring pros have another. By showing the amateurs the difference right there in front of them, maybe we can incite some change.

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