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This blog is going to give you a virus

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People who are friendly with computers

People who think that one errant keypress can break your computer and/or cause your house to explode

How many people believe that this headline is true?  It is.  Run.  No, just kidding.  Don’t run.  It’s too late – I already own your bank account.

I think that computers are great.  I think they help you in almost every way.  Want to see the best price on that toaster?  Done.  Want to take thousands of photographs and find the one you need in a near instant?  Also done.  Want to take Aretha’s hat and put it on your head?  Computers to the rescue.  Oh yeah, and I own your bank account.  Not kidding.

But there seems to be an evil side to computers, too.  Not the evil side where little Asian kids dream up viruses that are going to delete everything on your computer when you open that greeting card from yourFriendSlutPharmacy@yahoo.com, but the evil side where the computer itself just scares people.

Maybe it’s not just computers, but technology in general.  How about when you buy your parents that new coffee pot with the automatic timer and built-in grinder.  They already have the coffee pot that you plug into the wall and it makes coffee, and it took them 6 years to master that one.  Now they’re staring at this new contraption with these bells and whistles, and all they can say is, “It looks like it just has more stuff that can break.”

That’s the cop out.  People shroud their fear in cynicism.  I was eating dinner with a couple that we’re friendly with – the guy is a geek like me and the girl is very funny and very not geeky.  The guy and I start geeking out on how WordPress is cooler now, and the girl just starts making fun of us, making beepy-boop sounds like a 60’s Hollywood computer.  But this girl is a traitor to herself: she just started a blog, and she’s trying to figure out how to doctor it up and get it moving, too.  Well, she’s getting no help from me.

In another episode, my dad has this fancy remote that is said to make controlling his TV, stereo, DVD, etc. easier.  It is not.  This remote looks like you could start a car 3,000 miles away with it, and that’s exactly what must happen when you push its buttons because we’ve confirmed it doesn’t do anything to the television.

transformers-phone-2

What my parents think happens to a mobile phone when they’re not looking.

This remote requires that everything electronic in the room be in a certain state (on/off/armed). If the stereo is on and the TV is off, it’ll just turn the TV on and the stereo off.  You have to re-set it all if it doesn’t work, which is something you can’t do: owning this remote has replaced touching these dark metal boxes of electronics/explosives directly. They had a guest that fussed their equipment up, and the local geek squad guy charged them $300 to set it all up again.  He probably just came in and pressed the power button.  Easiest $300 in history.

I had planned to take more time/space to really dive more deeply into how disgusted I am with tech guys, geek squad, those other rapists, but I think I’ve run out of reader stamina.  Just know that I hate these robbers because I should have thought of it first.  That’s my $300.  But there’s way more money in your bank account.  Not kidding.

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January 26, 2009 | Filed Under technology 

comments

5 Responses to “This blog is going to give you a virus”

  1. Heather on January 26th, 2009

    I added my mom onto my cell phone plan & gave her my old Razr. Somehow she did not grasp the concept of how a flip phone works–probably my fault.
    One day her phone started ringing while I was there with her & she took it out, flipped it open, read the phone number of the caller out loud & said “I don’t know who in the hell that is” and hung up. No amount of explaining could make her understand that by flipping the phone open, she had answered the call & screamed crankiness into it. I told her I hoped it was her preacher.

    This blog post could have my mom’s picture by it as the poster child for fear of technology.

  2. Kyle Studstill on January 26th, 2009

    Seriously all it takes is some button pushing. You’re not going to break anything. I think I must have learned at an early age that if I can make a computer do something, I can easily make it undo it. CMD+Z 4LIFE

  3. David Plant on January 26th, 2009

    I love technology.

    http://en.zappinternet.com/video/jetFwiPreN/I-Love-Technology

  4. Jess on January 26th, 2009

    As you know, I love all things computer, cellphone, television, bluray (I even bought my bluray player its own TV), etc. One thing that does freak me out: microwave. You put something in there for like a minute and it’s hotter than the flames of hell. It’s just not right.
    Techno joy v. Techno fear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6C_HjWr3Nk

  5. Evan on January 28th, 2009

    Kyle – I hope you don’t mind that I got CMD+Z 4LIFE tattooed across my shoulder blades…

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