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Great email signatures

People who sign emails appropriately

People who sign emails in ridiculous, awkward, or purely idiotic ways

This was an idea floating around in my head for a while, and I didn’t quite know how to articulate it until a good friend of mine brought up a great example.  Apparently, he has a co-worker who signs his email:

Cheers,
Phil “Summer’s Eve” McCracken

The catch (and why I embellished his name a bit), is that this guy is not British, and uses the word “cheers” in his closing statements.  The guy had been on a study abroad or long vacation in the UK and, “picked it up living with the Brits,” as I can imagine him putting it.  I’m pretty sure that there’s a direct relationship between people that use colloquialisms from outside their native land and the number of their friends who have other plans the same weekends they plan all of their parties.

So, this got me thinking about other ways of signing emails that have seemed a little “off” over the years.  The first ones that come to mind are the people who use a little too much love in their emails:

Hey Johnny,

I was wondering when we might be able to take a look at that presentation for ABC Corp.  Can we set something up for Thursday?

Warm Regards,
Dave

Warm Regards? Are you trying to set “something up” for Thursday night over bellinis at the W Midtown?  Not interested, thank you.  I do not need any of your regards, especially not your warm ones.

Yo Pete,

Why don’t we grab a beer at the sports bar downstairs after work?

Sincerely Yours,
Frank

I appreciate the overture, Frank, but I’m pretty sure if the other people in the sports bar knew I said yes to an email signed “Sincerely Yours” from a dude, we’d both get our asses kicked.  Unless figure skating was on at said sports bar.

There are also simple mismatches that can be found in corporate communication:

Dear Mr. Southbottom,

I have been notified that your payment for the FaxPro 9000 is now 60 days overdue.  Please remit payment immediately so we can return your account to a paying status and resume business.  Failure to send payment in the next 30 calendar days will result in a call to the collections agency and a lien being placed on your business.  And we might shoot your pet beagle, Smooches.

Best Wishes,
Bill Lumbergh

I love being CCd on one of these “we will kidnap your children” emails and seeing something like “Best Wishes” at the end.  Is that like a mafia tactic?

But the absolute best email signatures, in my opinion, are the “stock” signatures people have automatically appended to the end of every email:

Hey Al,

Did you see the ass on the new intern?  If I wasn’t already cheating on my wife, I’d let her have me every day of the week except Thursdays because that’s when I have to take the 4 year old to tee ball practice.

- Fred

Psalm 23:  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

or…

Patricia,

I’m sorry to have to be the one to inform you that you are being laid off, effective 5:00 pm today.  We have determined that while you do your best, your best just isn’t good enough.  Please be sure to leave the Swingline on your desk before security comes by to escort you out.  It’s been a pleasure working with you.

Oh yeah, we just got a call that your husband was attacked by a bear and didn’t make it.  And his life insurance doesn’t cover bear attacks.

Regards,
Frank

The harder you work, the luckier you get! Have a wonderful, lucky day!

The best thing to do with these pre-packaged signatures is avoid using them.

I’ll leave you with the final version of the classic email signature. I present the graphics designer vomit, and I see way too many of these on a regular basis.  If your signature is more than 16x as large as your average email, that is a bad thing.

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