Jan
12
Sports Fans . . . you look completely retarded
Filed Under sports
People who express their support for a sports team in healthy ways.
The average American sports fan.
With the college football national championship behind us and another Utah scandal brewing (a 13-0 ratio of wins to losses edging out their 12-1 ratio of wives to husbands), it’s time to take a look at the American sports fan – a rare mix of zeal, obesity, and outfits that make Richard Simmons look like Clint Eastwood.
One of these people is a sports fan, and the other is preparing to kill a gazelle and complete his rite of passage. Can you tell who is who? Hint: one looks like he’s already eaten a gazelle for breakfast, so it’s probably not him.
Nothing will change the course of history less than a football game. So what is wrong with us that we make such idiots of ourselves in the name of sports? I think I have it figured out:
Americans like people who can have sex with anyone they want, and we do whatever is possible to become a part of that institution. It applies in the opposite direction, too. Why do you think we make fun of the theater dorks in college, and now we hang on every word of Sean Penn’s astute political advice? Why do we stuff that kid that plays trumpet in a locker, only to go to his jazz concerts and get his autograph 20 years later? Why do we listen to sports analyses like “110%”, “leave it on the field”, “and “they just outplayed them” and think that these are glimpses into the genius of the athelete’s mind? ”They outplayed them?” Are you kidding me? Someone let cancer know we’re about to outplay it. All it takes is heart, right?
So really, this all just boils down to living vicariously through something we really only have a relationship with through clothing, vehicle accessories, and of course, food. Someone sent me this picture last week:
If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, eat this doughnut. That should fix it. Forever.
It’s an orange and blue doughnut, which I’m sure would have the same effect on you as washing your hair with CLR for a year. And while this doughnut says, “I’m willing to get cancer to support my team,” sports fans really don’t have to go that far. There are tons of other pastries that won’t take a 12 years off your life, but are still a light and fluffy symbol that this party is hosted by someone who might not be able to point to Europe on a map, but can tell you the third-string quarterback’s home town. And can’t point to that on a map, either.
Tennessee cake – $45.
Career-limiting facial hair – $0.
Wedding in a log cabin – $400.
Drunk wedding photographer taking pictures at a 12-degree angle – $250.
Toasting to your future with plastic solo cups – $8.
A blank stare on your wife’s face for the next 50 years – priceless.
And how about this: isn’t it odd how much sports inspire people to put dumb crap on their heads?
“Has anyone seen my baseball?”
“Grrrrr! I’m a moron!”
Do I like sports? Yes. Am I going to make myself look like a complete idiot? Um . . . do you get more sex?
Comments
11 Responses to “Sports Fans . . . you look completely retarded”
Leave a Reply
Good one. It’s ‘rite’ of passage btw.
Scary thing is the american obsession with sports is so severe it’s not even funny anymore. Universities now care more about a national championship than education. Better learn to speak chinese..
maybe in your “books”, it’s a “rite”. Where I come from, that’s a drug store.
ko nee chee wa
if it was a right, you wouldn’t have to do anything.. cause it’s your right.
“right”? who said right? nobody I know…. I don’t see that anywhere.
What? No “jean shorts” wearing Florida fans pictured? (Also known as “jorts”)
Yeah, UF fans are generally among the worst. That whole “arm-chomping” thing: “hey look at me, i’m chomping my arms like a real-life alligator… whoopppeee yay i ride the short bus!”
More specifically though, Tim Tebow fans are even worse…
Is that a picture from Matt Donovan’s wedding?
[...] off the loan on their log cabin in Edgewater, Md. They need to sell 27,000 tickets for the Jan Sports Fans . . . you look completely retarded – tattopitw.com 01/12/2009 People who express their support for a sports team in healthy ways. The [...]
The picture of the UTK wedding reminded me of my favorite dumb joke when I was living near Knox:
What do you get when you fill Neyland Stadium with UTK fans? A full set of teeth.
BTW, as a Gator grad and Gator fan I’m sending you a very, uh, sexy picture of two Gator fans… You need to add it. It will make KC happy.
HA my fave post to date. Can’t get enough of the wedding commentary.
very interesting read. Just added you to my feed reader. Was searching for “sports fan” when I found “Fans . . . you look completely retarded | TATTOPITW”. I’ll make sure I visit this site once a day.