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Thanksgiving rubbed me the wrong way

People who buy luxury toilet paper

People who like to wipe their butt with recycled thumbtacks and glass shards

Well I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.  I really mean that, with few exceptions.

Thanksgiving is a time for family, a time to gain 5 lbs., and a time to go to someone else’s home for several days and and be tethered to their preferences instead than your own.  And nowhere in a strange home is preference more apparent than toilet paper.  When it comes to stocking the bathroom, there really are two types of people in the world: those who prefer comfort and those who feel that “cowboy walking” is a small price to pay to save $0.04 every 6 months by buying cheap toilet paper.

I was going to try to find a picture of a cowboy on Google, but figured pictures don’t get much better than this.  God bless you if you spend the holidays with a family who does this.

So now I sit here in my office recovering from a moderate case of Rudolph ass, just trying to make it through the day, but I can’t help but reflect on my experience.  During the trip, I actually considered changing my diet to minimize the number of episodes I would have to endure, but decided that was a little bit ridiculous.  I could make it through.

Well, I did make it through, and now I feel like cartwheeling everywhere I go to avoid the friction of walking, but it’s over and I’m back home to the stuff that the bears cuddle with in the commercials.  Which actually brings me to another question: why do Americans need bears cuddling with toilet paper?  Why can’t we just tell it like it is, like in the old “great taste, less filling” commercials?  Can we handle “superior absorbtion, less chaffing”?  Too much for our puritan sensibilities?

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