Oct
10
Ashamed To Be Proud
Filed Under my life
Adults who play video games
Adults who pretend they have stopped playing video games
Why is this post coming so late in the day? Because I was up until 3:00 last night. Was I boozin? No. Was I outrunning cops across the Mexican border with a truckload of drugs? No. Was I bitch-slapping a stripper? No. Was the guy on my television? Yes.
I am proud to be ashamed, or maybe ashamed to be proud to say to the public out there: I play video games. I am too old to play video games, but I do anyhow. What is too old? Well, that’s subjective.
I bought a new computer mouse that is specifically made for computer games. No, I’m not kidding. This mouse is pretty badass, but it does make me look somewhat friendless for owning it: it glows from a cool blue light inside of it, it looks like some sort of dinosaur-snake-head thing. The web site for these computer mice takes this shit very seriously. “Made for gamers, by gamers.” This is equivalent to a box of tissues saying, “made for people with runny noses, by people with runny noses.” I’m not exactly sure why it’s like that, but trust me, it is.
Available on their web site is a 60-page guide to the new “gamer.” It discusses things like how you should hold your mouse for different styles of play (like it’s some sort of kung-fu thing) and gives bios of professional computer gamers who use different mouse-holding styles. There are dozens of pages dedicated to how to become a professional gamer and a picture of a Korean kid who won $125,000 in a computer game tournament (but apparently used none of those winnings to purchase Proactiv solution).
It goes into more detail about how to hone your skills to become more accurate in games where you have to shoot other people and react quickly: “learn exactly how much mouse movement translates to movement on your screen. Practice by picking a spot on a wall or a tree, and then turning quickly and shooting. After several hours of practice, you should be able to hit the spot without difficulty.” Several hours of practice? These professional gamers can’t get through a meal without missing their face with their burrito and knocking over 4 cans of Jolt, but they can control the motor skills of their alter-ego with laser precision.
Time well spent, in my book.
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