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Your ringtone is the third leading cause of misery

People who have completely absurd ringtones

People who have all-too-common ringtones

I’ve been accused, lately, of taking sides, so here’s one where we all lose.  I hope you’re pleased.

About a week ago, I was sitting in a restaurant.  The name of the restaurant isn’t important; what is important is that people must eat something immediately following the purchase of a new cell phone, without fail.  How do I know this?  Because restaurants are the official headquarters of the “find your new ringtone” process.  And with all of that hustle-bustle going on, the new phone buyer is forced to complete their sonic expedition at maximum volume, alerting everyone in the restaurant and neighboring businesses if the phone was purchased at AT&T or T-Mobile with two of the most distinct and annoying series of notes ever put together by man.

Usually, the next ringtone in line tells you if the phone is an iPhone, a Nokia, a Samsung, a Motorola (God forbid), etc.  The Nokia sets always sound like a broken Atari, the Samsungs have various ridiculousness, including cats meowing out jingle bells, giggling Chinese schoolgirls, or the strangely intense music that makes the owner of the handset sound like she’s in Mission Impossible every time Blockbuster calls to remind her that The Birdcage is due.

So this is where the crossroads happens.  Usually at about the same time the bruschetta hits the table, the tone tester has settled down on one of two options: something that will give you instant-onset TMJ, or “Old Phone”.  In my case that day, it was TMJ.  More precisely, it was a T-Pain riff that I was able to successfully get out of my head just 9 short days later.

But on the other side of the coin, “Old Phone” is just as much of a tragedy.  Do you remember those movies in the 90s where a phone would ring and about 20 people would pull their cell phone out and say, “Hello?” at the same time?  Then one person would raise their handset, coiled wire going down to the briefcase-sized carrying case, and say, “It’s mine!”

“Old Phone”, or the ringtone where your mobile sounds like that flesh-tone phone in your grandmother’s house (the one where you have to hold the cord in just the right place to hear and not get that scratching noise), is on the other 50% of humanity’s cell phones, and on 98% of iPhones.

Guys normally have the phone in their pocket, often with the vibrate function on, so it’s easy to tell if it’s theirs or not, but girls with their purses are a whole different story.  If churches wanted to double their tithes, they should play “Old Phone” over the speakers just as the baskets are beginning their round, opening 85% of the purses.  Then, that penetrating stare from the preacher when the girl is caught with her purse open would really be effective.

So the moral of the story is this: there is no happy ending here.  We are all doomed to listen to techno renditions of Canon in D or Old Phone for the rest of our lives.  There is no winner.  There are only losers.  And you’re one of them.

I have “Old Phone”.  What do you have?  $0.01 to the first person to have the singing cats.

Yes, I know this one isn’t funny.  It’s Monday.

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