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The Early Bird Gets the Lead

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Tigris: Morning people

Euphrates: People who hate morning people
swamp-thing
Let me start this by saying that I am definitively not a morning person, but there is a small part of me that is envious of (yet a bigger part that wants to sometimes strangle) morning people. To be able to hop up out of bed 3 minutes before the alarm goes off is something that seems perfectly normal to many people, but superhuman and incredibly obnoxious to me. The concept of standing and humming in the shower: impossible. I am like swamp thing in there, moaning like a dinosaur, bracing myself against the wall. On particularly tired mornings, I may even sit or lay down in the shower. Picture the guy in the mental institution in his straight jacket, rocking back and forth (although, make him terribly attractive and not otherwise mentally disturbed). That’s my morning ritual.

Next, I move to the battle of will I call breakfast. I am not a morning person, therefore I am not a breakfast person. Those things seem to go hand-in-hand, and that’s not something I’m too pumped about, really. People really should eat breakfast. I have a friend who is a skeptic: “People tell you that you have to eat breakfast just so they can sell you breakfast bars.” He’s kind of a dick, in general. Anyhow, I do think that breakfast helps, but I am usually not able to make it happen. The bonus of not eating breakfast is that I also get reprimanded at by my wife, so not only am I not doing myself a favor but I get to also get in trouble for it. Life always gives you a bonus round, I’ve found.

Maybe that’s where the disgust for morning people really begins (no, I do not have disgust for my wife, this is just an example). Morning people tend to look down at non morning people, using phrases like, “you know, Evan: you really should…”. I SHOULD WHAT? You TELL me what I should do. Normally I’ll listen to this sage advice about not hitting snooze (are you kidding me?), eating an immediate breakfast, or whatever useless tips lead to a love for the morning, but it’s all complete BS. If you’re cursed enough to be a morning person, just live with it. Don’t bring it on the rest of us.

I really enjoy not being a morning person. I think that a part of me wishes I could turn it on from time to time, but more or less, I like knowing that breakfast is a meal you eat at Waffle House after a concert. I like that I don’t go to sleep at 9:30. I like that I don’t part my hair in a perfect line and have a cleanly-shaven face every morning (morning people can be easily identified by their perfect parts and complete lack of neck hair).

But I do have to say that non-morning people can be douchebags, too. If I hear the phrase, “I haven’t had my coffee yet” one more time, I might just explode. Please quit saying that: you’re like a walking Cathy comic, and Cathy is only funny / relevant to the woman who lives in her parents house and has 300 cats and a trail of empty Ben ‘n Jerry’s cartons between the bed and couch. In fact, all morning-related office cliches need to just retire about now. Non morning people definitely over sell it. They roam around the office like the undead, not looking at each other when they walk by, talking about how short the weekend was and how tired they are because of their awesome nighttime activities. Stop. You might be emo / depressing during your night and weekend minutes, but you need to sack up and be a functioning person once you hit the office door.

So maybe what I’m revealing here is that non morning people might not hate morning people, maybe they just hate everyone (and everything) until they come around later in the day. I know this isn’t very funny, but give me a break. It’s Monday morning. I haven’t had my coffee yet.

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September 22, 2008 | Filed Under in general 

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