The airport bathroom is not a good place for speakerphone

People who use the speakerphone feature in appropriate situations

People who use the speakerphone feature in inappropriate situations

I’ve been meaning to talk about this for a long time.  This is one of those things that you see so many times in a given day, it’s hard to know exactly which way to approach the topic.  But I found myself particularly inspired on Saturday while sitting in the airport in Denver.  More specifically, I was in the Denver airport men’s room, catching up on the Robb Report’s monthly publication of things I’ll be buying the next time Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (on their current pace of a bowl game win once every 53 years).

While I was in the “rest room” (who goes in there to rest?), I hear this guy next to me crack open his cell phone.  Peck, peck, peck . . . he dials the number.  I’m hoping this guy is checking voicemail because it sounds like a bovine diet testing facility in here, but no, he proceeds with a bona-fide phone call.  Only 30 seconds pass before misjudgment becomes epic misjudgment when he says, “Hold on one second,” into the phone.

Now, when you’re on the phone in a bathroom, “hold on one second,” only means one of two things.  You’re either getting ready to unleash unbridled fury or you’re done and you have to flush.  In both cases, you’re trying to save face by muting the phone so the caller is none the wiser.  On Saturday, however, this caller/deucer put convention aside and raised the stakes by flipping the conversation over to speakerphone.  Yes, he put his phone on speakerphone right in this middle of this auditorium of poots, fweets, pops, and flawalawalapffffs.

The conversation went on for about another 3 or 5 minutes, and the person on the other end of the call didn’t ever make mention of what they were hearing, but there was no doubt in my mind that they heard it all.  I can’t emphasize enough the quality and volume of this methane orchestra.  While I felt badly for the recipient of this audial rape, I quietly relished the unique ridiculousness of the situation.

There are several other speakerphone-related infractions that should result in a lifetime sentence of having to sponge bathe Michael Moore.  Personally, the worst is someone in the cubicle farm using speakerphone to dial a number . . . who has to look up the number and/or dial slowly.  People who hit speakerphone and make us all listen to the dial and key tones at a volume that will wake up my dead grandmother should be shot with rubber bands until they bruise to death.

5 Responses to “The airport bathroom is not a good place for speakerphone”

1. Barb on January 6th, 2009

   This made me realize I don’t even know how to turn my speakerphone on. I’m going to find the manual & figure it out when I get home.

2. Jess on January 6th, 2009

   I so just busted someone talking on the phone while in the toilet. And I thought of you… It was an uncomfortable moment all around.

3. Willton on January 8th, 2009

   It’s one thing if it’s a stranger talking on a cellphone while on the can of a public restroom. It’s quite another when it’s your boss at work. Thankfully, in my case, he does not know how to use the speakerphone function.

4. Dario on January 8th, 2009

   I would rather someone talk on their phone than to talk to me, while standing at the urinal, with their package in hand!

5. Joe on January 8th, 2009

   That’s pretty funny, but it does make a good point.

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