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Taking "Denim" Out Of Our Vocabulary

People who wear jeans

People who wear denim in forms other than a full-legged pant

The facts of the case are these:

• Denim is a durable, long-lasting material
• Denim was invented for people whose pants would rip when working in fields and around fences/etc.
• Denim became fashionable

And herein lies the core issue with America: when your mom tells you “honey, you can do anything you want to do in life”, that is a true statement in this country. In most other countries in the world, this is said to little children just to make them feel better. In those countries, it’s like an insect colony: the leaders have a look at you and give you a few tests when you’re about 6. They say “doctor”, “architect”, “janitor”, and you’re sent on your way to dedicate the following years of your life to a pre-arranged job and likely a pre-arranged spouse as well. Life is simple and controlled.

In this country, however, anyone can do anything, even against the collective better judgement of humanity. One of the chief ways this manifests itself is in clothing, and perhaps the most durable (pun intended) case of clothing crime is creating denim clothing other than the full-legged pant:

The Jean Short:

The Denim Shirt:

The Mom Jean:

Now you might say, “Evan, the mom jean is technically a full-legged pant”, and you would be mostly correct. But that is just fulfilling criteria in the downward direction. Yes, the legs are full-length, but a “full legged pant” has more conditions than that, notably the upward direction. Since the mom jean is a 3/4-length body suit, technically, it is not a pant.

You might also be saying “Evan, you are ripping jokes off of SNL”, and you would also be right. But SNL sucks right now, so we we’re having to support them by paying homage to the classics.

If we just take the word “denim” out of our language, we can simply use “jeans” to refer to these pants. There is no reason to give the material a name, suggesting that it can be used in other ways.

Yesterday, I went to the Tour Championship, a golf tournament here in Atlanta. Typically, a golf event draws society’s finest: ladies with their cute sun dresses, gentlemen wearing criminal amounts of seersucker, and children who know more about their nanny than their mommy; but that wasn’t the case. It hit me why: Atlanta is like Israel, a dot of one way of thinking, dressing, and acting surrounded by vast lands of people who want to kick your ass for thinking, dressing, and acting the way you do. I saw jean shorts galore, found out where all of those Tommy Hilfiger shirts went, and noticed the self-defense system known as putting gel in hair that is less than 1” in length. I also got a number of “what the hell are you looking at?” looks, which I relished in no uncertain way.

Maybe we need a little less freedom and dreaming in this country. Or maybe we just need to have a similar test at age 6, but the result doesn’t have to be as restricting as “doctor”, “lawyer”, etc.: maybe we just tell children who is and is not allowed to pursue their dreams. Those deemed unfit to pursue dreams will just have to toil away, while the good, creative children will be encouraged to do the thinking for everyone. Yeah, that should work just fine.

Don’t forget that there is a space for write-ins on the presidential ballot. I can make this happen, people. (And I’ll get the price on the vending machines lowered, too.)

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