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I support wildlife with my AK-47
(7 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5)
Loading ...People who have “Support Wildlife” license plates
People who do not regularly hunt wildlife with assault rifles
I’ve been working really hard lately on reducing road rage, per my wife’s orders. I used to see other cars as the enemy: a chaotic moving obstacle fueled by Atlantans’ self-loathing and lost dreams, but now I’ve become less aggressive. Bruce Lee once said, “Be like the river. Flow.” I liked to say, “Be like the river. Crush and annihilate vehicles that stand in your path. Deliver toxic waste from thousands of miles away. Look serene, but be home to deadly fish that will eat a man down to the bone.”
But my quote was too long, so it didn’t stick even though it was far more inspiring.
At any rate, I have toned it down a bit. Now, I am more Bruce: taking it a little bit slower in traffic, letting it come to me, taking it all in. And one thing that I’ve taken in, in particular, is the correlation of license plates, vehicles, and drivers. There is a very interesting relationship between vehicles, their owners, and the choice of license plate.
Growing up in Florida, you learn this early. Florida is the Baskin Robbins of license plate states. We had more license plates than we had ethnicities, and that’s saying something. We had Save the Birds, Save the Panther, Save the Whales, Save the Children, Save Music, Save Gymnastics, Save Trees, Support Firemen, Support Police, Support Breasts, Send All The Cubans Home, “Florida…The New Northeast”, and everything else you could imagine. And as funny or interesting the plates ever got, the owners that went with them were that much better.
So fast forward to present day Georgia (let’s not forget that Atlanta is in Georgia: a lone Van Gogh in a gallery of Kinkade), where a regular occurrence is seeing a white Chevy Tahoe with those big lights mounted on top and a “Support Wildlife” license plate on the back. If it’s a Monday, there might still be some deer blood on the hatchback handle.
In trying to “Support Wildlife”, a wooden wall is best. Drywall is rarely sturdy enough to support wildlife. Wildlife is simply too heavy.
The Support Wildlife license plate translates a little non-traditionally for those unfamiliar with it. Georgians use the word “support” in “support wildlife” a lot like Rwandans use the word “cleansing” in “ethnic cleansing.” While it may seem a little backwards at first, you’ll soon realize that by wiping animals off of the face of the earth, we’re actually helping them. You know, just like wiping humans off the face of the earth is helpful…right?
But in all fairness, I don’t really think that my fellow Georgians are that ridiculous. What it probably really comes down to is that these guys wanted a license plate with a picture of a deer on it, and when they went to the DMV, the 400 lb woman named Tameesha told them that the only option was the plate that said “support wildlife”. Hoping the words would rub off, the hunters bought the tag and took their chances. Sadly, the letters never did wear off, and they’re stuck with the most self-contradictory vehicle accessory available, but at least they got that deer picture.
They should have just moved to Florida and gotten the “Kill Wildlife and Immigrants” plate.
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17 Responses to “I support wildlife with my AK-47”
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why you are here...
You are here because you are awesome and you celebrate awesomeness.
You are here to read a new post every weekday.
You are here because there are two types of people in the world: people who are here, and people who suck.
I don’t expect you to read this. It has been my experience with people who are completely opposed to something that they rarely ever listen to any arguments from the other side regardless of facts. I am instead writing this hoping that you might prove me wrong and read this, maybe even look into the things I will tell you about then respond to the email address I have left. My hopes are merely to offer enlightenment.
Do you know which group of people in the United States contributes the most money to wildlife conservation and habitat programs. I have a couple of hints for you, this same group of people noticed the significant decline of wildlife populations several decades ago. This group of people went to their government officials and demanded that there be provisions put in place to help save the animals. This group of people subjected themselves to taxes placed on the things they bought and restrictions to their activities. This group of people is the American Hunter.
On every firearm purchased in this country, on every round of ammunition purchased in this country, there is an excise tax. These taxes are paid by the Sportsmen and Sportswomen of our country, these taxes go to pay for things like National Wildlife Refuges. These are areas where any person can go to sit and watch wildlife.
Do you know the difference between CONSERVATION and PRESERVATION? Conservation is the wise use of a resource, Preservation is the non use of a resource. A conservationist and a preservationist are walking through the desert and each one has two gallons of water, how much does each one have left at the other side? the preservationist is dead he died of dehydration, the conservationist got to the other side by wisely limiting the consumption of his water to what he needed to survive and get to the other side where he could refill.
Each and Every piece of ground has a carrying capacity. This means that for whatever the particular size of the area, there are only so many animals that it can support through the hardest months of the year, typically the winter months when food is not actively growing. Do you know what would happen if the number of, we’ll say whitetail deer, were to exceed the carrying capacity of the piece of land they are living on? For the sake of argument we will say that there can safely be one deer per acre of land, it takes alot more land than this to support a deer but the number is easy. So we are looking at 1,000 acres, and we will start with a population of 900 deer. Assuming a 50/50 male to female ratio, that is 450 does. a whitetail deer has a 90% change at conception and 75% chance of twins, 15%chance of triplets, so we will undercut and assume 75% of the does had twins. that means that the 2nd year we now have a population of 900 plus the new 675 we will kill 175 for car accidents and predators that means 1400 animals on a plot of land that can only sustain 1000. Lets assume they all live and after year three we have2450 lets kill off 450 for predators and other now we have 2000 deer on a piece of ground that can only sustain 1000, congratulations all of the deer starved this year and now you have widespread disease and next year you get to start with 20 deer. Have fun cleaning up the bodies.
Hunting Limits are put in place to help manage the wildlife in particular areas, this way the populations never exceed the carrying acpacity of a piece of ground.
Yes, that guy might be a hunter. I will bet you twenty bucks he and I have both spent a whole lot more time and money supporting wildlife than those of you who chose to sit back and criticize us for the things we do.
Well, obviously this needs addressing.
#1 – I did read it. All of it. That’s an awful lot to write when you don’t think someone will read it.
#2 – I’m sorry that your experience is that people don’t listen to the other side of an argument. That’s sad (although true). People should hear both sides, but also understand that parody (this site) exists and you shouldn’t take it so seriously.
#3 – You hunt because you like the activity. Don’t pretend that you wake up, go to the gun store, tithe to the animal community by buying ammunition and paying your excise tax. You get in your truck and drive out to go deer hunting because you want to, not because you recognize that if it wasn’t for you, all the rest of us would have to deal with disease and thousands of deer corpses. You do it because you enjoy it. That’s fine. But I’m sure before man invented long-range firearms, our ancestors were not fighting a plague of deer.
#4 – your preservation vs. conservation example is just ridiculous/funny. You need another way of explaining that.
#5 – you owe me 20 bucks.
HA! That’s awesome.
I just feel the need to say that I had nothing to do with the above. Thank you to the person that wrote it because I now look normal.
Seriously tho, can anyone point to one serious out break of disease from a rabbit or deer that affected people? Bird flu came from human farming practices, mad cow same thing, the plague from rats in unsanitary living conditions created by humans, but I have nothing on deer and bunnies. I really don’t know tho.
Anyone got a case of bunny flu or bambi pox? (no stripper jokes on that last part)
Arguing that you’re assisting nature with something it’s been doing for millions of years is presumptuous and ridiculous. If you’re so worried about excess wildlife and thus feel the need to kill off a bunch in order to save a few, we’ll start using those excise taxes to construct deer gas chambers and slaughter houses. My hunch is that that’s not what you want since gassing or manufactured slaughter isn’t as fun and/or challenging.
The argument that buying guns and ammo for the sake of contributing to the conservationist excise taxes is also ridiculous — and dishonest. I don’t see a bunch of tree-huggers going out to buy a bunch of gasoline so that those taxes can fund some failed public transportation initiative.
Just admit that you feel like more of man when you’re able to outsmart some retarded deer and murder it with a rifle.
I don’t understand why, in the “every piece of ground has a carrying capacity” illustration, ALL of the deer have to die in the end. It seems to me, if the carrying capacity is 1000 deer, then only half of the 2000 deer should starve (I believe this is referred to as “survival of the fittest”).
As a further comment to the author of the dissertation above, if you want to make a poignant statement about hunting and wildlife conservation that you want to be convincing, you are doing yourself a great disservice by utilizing very poor grammar and paragraph structure. In addition to recognizing satire and parody where it occurs, utilizing proper capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structure goes a long way toward making yourself appear more intelligent. Not doing so has the opposite effect.
First to Wilton, I am sorry if my grammar is not to your standards. Please forgive me, grammar has always been a weakness.
Now Evan, Thank you for taking the time to read my comment I am always happy to be proven wrong, then I get to learn something. I never gave you any of my reasons for hunting. I suppose I should. I hunt for food mostly, Pheasant, Dove, Duck, Goose, Deer, and Rabbit are all quite tasty. I do enjoy the activity, the same as I am sure you enjoy getting a reaction out of the people who read this site, one of whom is my wife.
Before man invented long range firearms our ancestors were vastly inferior in numbers. Less people means they occupy less land therefore there is more available to wildlife.
I have spent the better part of $1000 not including excise taxes towards wildlife conservation and habitat development this year. I have also invested close to 700 hours of my own time toward habitat improvement project this year. I have many more on the books for next year already. What have you done?
To Jess, I never stated that the disease would harm humans.
To Garrett, I said “This group of people subjected themselves to taxes placed on the things they bought and restrictions to their activities. This group of people is the American Hunter.” I did not say that the only reason I buy firearms or ammunition is to help wildlife. I buy them because I want to, I choose to pay the excise taxes.
Garrett I would love to see you manage to get within thirty yards of a whitetail deer, on public hunting ground, during the hunting season. Deer are not stupid, and yes outsmarting a deer can make you feel great. It can also make you feel full for the next couple of months.
To SDN, I will try to explain it better. The reason most of the deer die off is, each animal gets approximately half of the food needed to survive. Some get more, some get less and die faster. Each deer is gong to eat what it can find. When the food is gone, the grocery store is empty and there isn’t another one around.
I know I am not the most eloquent writer. I am just trying to share with others a point of view they may not be aware of. I truly hope that each person who reads this will do me just one favor. Please take a kid outdoors, take them hunting, fishing, hiking, anything to get them into this great space and away from the damn TV.
Hmm. The catch-22 being that you and the rest of the American Hunters “choose” to pay the tax. That’s an interesting concept – one I’d like to hear more about.
Second, I’m not surprised by your challenge, i.e. “I would love to see you manage to get within thirty yards of a whitetail deer, on public hunting ground, during the hunting season.” This is something I’d expect from some alpha-male wanna-be who has to exhibit dominant testosterone levels by executing wild animals.
Third… “Deer are not stupid, and yes outsmarting a deer can make you feel great.” Outsmarting humans is better – do you know the feeling? And by the way, deer are fucking dumb. Just because they run off at the sound of a hunter opening a beer can doesn’t mean they’re smart. It just means they’re afraid of humans and rightfully so (world wars, genocide, Disney movies, tow truck drivers, Michael Jackson, etc.).
Lastly… “It can also make you feel full for the next couple of months.” So can going to Super Wal-Mart. Are you familiar with that store? Oh wait, silly question.
Well first, thanks for taking the time to write back and answer everyone. I think we all respect where you’re coming from and that you’re sticking to your . . . uh . . . guns.
Of course you hunt because you want to. That’s the whole point. That’s fine. Hunt away. But don’t expect us to thank you for doing something you enjoy, just because it has a positive side effect. I play golf. Golf courses are great because they preserve green space in urban areas. I have played 100 rounds this year and given to golf charities. What have you done? See…it’s pretty ridiculous.
Which brings me to my next point. Don’t get in a pissing match with me or anyone else about philanthropy. Ever. That’s just stupid. You don’t know what I do or give, or where I do or give it. Best case scenario for you: you’ve outdone me by a few dozen hours and half a paycheck. Congratulations, collect your prize. Wait…there’s no prize? Oh, that sucks.
Worst case, I start telling you about how I’m writing this from Rwanda with one hand while I’m injecting a starving child with live-saving drugs with my other hand while my feet are playing slide guitar to entertain the village. Oh yeah, and I’m teaching the bible to oppressed Chinese farmers over a sat phone conference call.
I’m going to exercise my right to class and not get into where my time and money go. Eventually, you’ll meet someone who will make your multi-weekend project of cleaning up the forest and donating $1,000 embarrassing, not that it ever should be. Be proud of yourself for doing something positive, but keep it to yourself and that pride is a lot more likely to last.
And let’s remember, this post was about the irony of a license plate that is, in fact, a touch ironic.
“yes outsmarting a whitetail can make you feel great.”
Yeah, I been trying to outsmart me some whitetail for some time now. But them gals down at the Qwicky Mart is clever, ya know?
Garrett, The easiest way to get around the excise tax is to either gunsmith your own firearm, (which I am not capable of), or load your own ammunition. You can also purchase military surplus ammunition from other countries, but quality takes a down turn.
Second, I can’t get within thirty yards. I was just wondering if you could show me how retarded the deer are. I have seen video of a deer walking up to an electric fence looking at the sign then walking the other way. I’m not saying he didn’t get zapped the day before but, hey he walked the other way. I also don’t hunt or target shoot with anyone who thinks that vehicles, firearms, or anything else that can kill goes well with alcohol.
Last, What is this super-walmart you make mention of. I shop at a small grocer, and use the local butcher for meat purchases other than my wild game. O.K. so I am lying, but still I doubt I am the only person looking at this site who has been a patron of that store.
Evan, I guess I went a little out there. I was just looking for who had one before I asked for the address to send the twenty to. I guess we can just leave that one alone, but you can’t say I backed out of the bet.
I have met the people who can do so much more than I am possibly capable of. I am truly in awe of those who choose to contribute large amounts of time and money to worthwhile causes. I hold only the slightest disregard for those who choose not to give back, when they have a great deal. Please tell me that you will take just one kid, who wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity, out to the driving range at least, in the coming year. If everyone takes an afternoon to get a kid outside this year, imagine the difference we can make.
KC, I love it…
You still owe me $20.
Evan, If you truly think I still owe you why don’t you tell me what type of charity you would like the money donated to. I feel this will enable everyone to keep personal information private.
The National Rifle Association
Done
Wow, I’m just re-reading this and what a hilarious and good conversation. Did you ever donate that 20?