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Fake Christmas trees are for fake families
(7 votes, average: 4.57 out of 5)
Loading ...People who buy real Christmas trees
People who buy fake Christmas trees
We live in a day where everything real has a fake counterpart – for our comfort and convenience, of course. Are you a lazy turd with little sunlight in your home? Buy a fake plant. Want to keep up with the Joneses, but you’re more of a Jefferson? Buy a fake Gucci purse. Not sure if she’s really the one? Cubic z to the rescue.
We have been living in a fake world for a while now. We are surrounded by countless ways we can improve our lives, our homes, our bodies, and pretty much everything but our minds. How many times have you heard, “it looks like real wood, doesn’t it?” when your friend shows you around their new home? How about, “feel them!”? Zero? Bummer.
But when it comes to the Christmas tree, fake just doesn’t cut it.
I was walking around Target over the weekend getting lights for our tree when I rounded the corner and stumbled upon the fake tree wonderland. Now, the first thing that strikes me as odd are these bright pink trees, the silver ones, the ones colored like the American flag, etc. And there’s always that little Charlie Brown tree with like 7 branches and a single ornament that everyone reaches out to and says “aww, that’s so cute”. No, that’s not cute. That’s a dead sapling piece of crap, and on top of that, it’s a FAKE dead sapling piece of crap. Putting a real one of those in your home says, “I’m broke as hell and my kids are going to cry on Christmas day.” And putting a fake little POS sapling in your house is just plain stupid.
But the king of kings among the fake Christmas trees was just past the sad little twiggie and the bright silver monstrosity that looks like a sex toy for the Terminator. It was a plain, regular 6′ tall Christmas tree, but with one detail that just seemed a little off to me. And I noticed that this was the case with almost all of the fake trees: the trunk has needles on it.
Look at the very bottom – at the trunk. Yeah, the trunk with needles. That one.
So I can just picture this now. Someone makes a call over to the slave labor camps in China and says, “Hey Chen-Suey, this is Earl over in Alabamer. We need ten zillion of them Christmas trees. You know, they’re like trees with the prickly leaves all over ‘em.” And Chen goes to work, making “trees with prickly leaves all over them”, just as he’s been instructed. Having never seen a Frasier Fir, they’re doing the best they can. A few months later, Earl opens up the boxes and he’s had too much Evan Williams (fake Jack Daniels) to notice that the tree trunk has bristles, and ships them off to Target for my viewing pleasure.
Folks, it’s time to do “real”. Stop eating your breakfast bar and sit down with your family. Stop with the genetically-altered hydroponic pork chops, the KFC that comes from chickens who don’t have feathers or beaks, stop drinking milk that comes from cows pumped full of more hormones than a 13 year old girl at a Timberlake concert. Stop buying backpacks that have a handle and wheels, put it on your back, and burn 9 calories. Buy a real damn tree. Light it your lazy ass self.
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17 Responses to “Fake Christmas trees are for fake families”
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I do agree with you about how horrible the fake Christmas trees look. But I do have one thing to say. I am alergic to all things pine; anything in the pine family. So Yes, I have a fake Christmas tree with needles on the trunk. It is green and not pre lit, I like to do that myslef. It’s a sacrafice I am willing to make so I can enjoy the holidays with my family. I would love nothing more then to have a real tree in my living room at this time of year. But you know, for some reason, breathing is more important.
Seasons Greetings.
Well said friend! Well said.
What about people who, even though they buy a real tree, have it delivered and thus scorn the primal hunter-gatherer process?
I have no allergy to pine needles, and yet I have a fake tree in my apartment. I would love to have a real tree in my apartment, but there’s something unappealing about lugging a 6-foot heavy-ass tree up 2 narrow flights of a brownstone, likely while my girlfriend is giving me direction and I’m yelling obscenities at her in the process, and then having to play that horrid “Is it straight yet? Which way? My left or your left? Dammit, just tell me where the fucking thing needs to go!” game with the tree stand.
So yes, I guess I’m one of those people.
Heather: I’m sorry to hear of your affliction. That would ruin my life completely, so I’m glad that’s not me.
Garrett: it is a sad condition to live in an urban area where we can’t chop a tree down with our bare hands and bring it home. Not only would that save a tremendous amount of money, but it would make me feel like more of a man.
Will: You are missing out on a quintessential part of Christmas, the holidays, your life, and the point altogether. I feel sorry for you, and hope that some day you will open your eyes to a life currently unknown. Enjoy your TV dinner tonight.
“[B]ut there’s something unappealing about lugging a 6-foot heavy-ass tree up 2 narrow flights of a brownstone, likely while my girlfriend is giving me direction and I’m yelling obscenities at her in the process, and then having to play that horrid “Is it straight yet? Which way? My left or your left? Dammit, just tell me where the fucking thing needs to go!” game with the tree stand.”
I could not “ditto” this magical piece of prose enough – well said sir. Same EXACT experience this past Saturday. She offered to help and I was like: “look, the only thing that could possibly make this worse is you becoming hsyterical after sustaining some sort of non-life-threatening injury.”
“Stop with the genetically-altered hydroponic pork chops, the KFC that comes from chickens who don’t have feathers or beaks, stop drinking milk that comes from cows pumped full of more hormones than a 13 year old girl at a Timberlake concert.”
Where does the McD Filet-O-Fish fit into that equation?
Phil: Irrelevant. Let’s stay on topic.
Wow, so I really just have to respond to this one.
I’ve had a real tree twice in my life. My dad wasn’t home a lot (currently on a tanker off the coast of Djibouti/Somalia), we had no family in Gville and there was no way my mom was taking me to go pick out a tree when I was little and then bring it home, straighten and decorate it. So we most definitely had a tree out of a box. By the time I was old enough to really contribute, it didn’t seem to matter to either of us, plus we ended up spending about half my Christmases in a hotel room because when dad was in the country for the holidays, he was usually in port up in fabulous Norfolk, VA. For hotel Christmas we had what would likely make you cry tears of pain: we would tape to the wall a tree I made out of green wrapping paper (I made it in one such hotel when I was about 12) which had ornaments and a tree topper star made out of other wrapping paper and tissue paper.
In sum, I guess military families = fake families.
But don’t worry, my *fake* family member is still willing to spend months of his life away from his wife and only child (this tour is 6 months, so you can figure he’s been home at most 50% of my life (altho most of that time was in port out of state)) and risk his life on a daily basis off the coast of Somalia where he can’t go into port (to get mail, etc) for more than 48 hours because tankers like the one he’s on blow up well and Al Qaeda likes them some fireworks. All just for your right to import goods and oil and to eat crap fast food and whine about traffic, I mean, unless you have some other objection to “fake families”.
Jess: whew! I believe your situation is called “an exception”.
Evan – I think you have officially touched some nerves with this installment. Kudos to you.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, we have a fake tree. Last time we had a real tree, the dog insisted on marking it twice a day. Made for some soggy gifts under the tree, as you might imagine.
Yeah Evan, I forgot to mention that the only thing my parents left to me before they both died in a plane crash was the family heirloom fake Christmas tree. Thanks dick!
My bad. My rant lost its point.
I merely disagree that fake trees are for fake *families*. There’s a lot of single moms that just don’t have the ability to lug a tree.
I just think the title of this entry should read:
“Fake trees are for Fake Men”
This takes the cake…err, tree. Well done, sir!
I would like to know who buys a 1/4 tree like the one in your picture…
I, for one, would love to have some of those 1/4 trees. I would put them in every corner of my house. And the 3/4 trees would work well as bumpers on outer corners, too.
David: you sound very concerned for your family’s safety as they deal with the confusion of “where the house turns”. I’d recommend football helmets for Christmas this year.