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The Bigger, The More Gooder

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People who dream of someday owning an unnecessarily large truck

People who have been outside of their state

I have spent most of my time so far in life in Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia. Now, before you jump to any conclusions because of that list, I did not go to the University of Florida, Georgia, or Tennessee, so I do not own any team flags that I mount to my car windows on Saturdays. Despite this, I have been exposed to the southern phenomenon (and I guess it’s not just a southern one) of either owning or dreaming to own a ridiculously large truck.

Neils_big_truck

There is something about trucks that never satisfies owners. When you get a Ford F150, you want an F250. When you get a Ram, you want a supercharged Ram. When you get an H3, you wonder why you don’t have any friends.

The appetite for larger and larger trucks, or truck lust, is something that consumes southerners who would rather spend their hard-earned cash on a lift kit than take their wife to Europe. Perhaps the funniest part is that the wives have somehow been brainwashed: “We wur gunna go to It-lee, but Frank got his truck lifted so he can see down them city girls’ shirts in their convertibles. He’s such a maaaan. Ooh baby, I love you!”

But I do have to be fair: big trucks are good for the economy. Big trucks open the door for macho dudes to purchase the equivalent of “man jewelry”. While fancy men are at Neiman Marcus shopping for their newest bracelet with a skull superimposed on a cross, the macho dudes are accessorizing not themselves, but their trucks. You’ve got tires, wheels, chrome galore, review mirrors, sideview mirrors, antennas, CB radios, bedliners, trailer hitches, trailer hitch accessories, trailer hitch accessory accessories, and more. And the great part about it is that the guys still feel like men while they’re accessorizing.

For me, I prefer a faster car that has little practical value. I like to get places fast, accelerate unnecessarily, take turns at high speed even though it makes no real sense, and generally behave in a way that truck people say “look at that lil city boy, let’s kick his ass.” Whatever, it helps me to get to Neiman Marcus faster.

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September 26, 2008 | Filed Under in cars 

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