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People Who Drive In The Left Lane

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People who are left-lane cruisers on the interstate

People who know what day of the week it is

If you carpool and save the planet, you get the best lane on the interstate. It you are an idiot, you get the next best lane. What the hell is that? I am so sick of people who cruise the left lane of an 8-lane interstate going 52 miles per hour, I might just cry. Every weekend, I make a short trip to go play golf. And every weekend I have to drive up I-85 with all of the short bus escapees. It is a part of my life. I like to drive at a healthy pace on the interstate, so this is very frustrating. I feel like a person with prosthetic arms who loves potato chips.

What I want to understand is why the left lane? Why not the right lane? Why not the center lane? Atlanta has a veritable lane buffet laid out for these people who should wear football helmets to walk down a sidewalk, but it’s always the left lane.

On top of that, most left-laners are women on their cell phones, which have approximately the same lethality as a patriot missile. The outcome of honking your horn at these guards of vehicular progress is that your car makes more noise. That’s pretty much it. These women have a level of awareness that rivals a goldfish with cataracts and have a driving pattern that would lead you to believe that the steering wheel has been replaced with buttons that say “left” and “right”, which they press once every 1/4 mile, and the cruise control has been set to “keep ‘em guessing” mode, whereby the car speeds up to 80 mph every 3.5 minutes before decelerating back down to approximately 52 mph as it approaches another car going 52 mph, creating a moving, impenetrable barrier of stupidity.

But perhaps there is a brilliance about these ladies’ desire to murder fellow drivers. The near-death experiences on the interstate are rarely directly with the minivan carrying the alcoholic housewife, but are carried out by her minions of death, who are people in zippy little cars who become adrenalized enough by her terrible driving to drive terribly themselves, passing her at 100 mph in the emergency lane before having to swerve back to avoid a motorcycle guy taking a weed break on the side of the highway. Now that’s killing power!

Or maybe they’re just idiots.

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October 20, 2008 | Filed Under in cars 

comments

One Response to “People Who Drive In The Left Lane”

  1. Short on November 7th, 2008

    After living in Germany for two years, this was the hardest transistion for me to make - on the Autobahn Deuschters are rabid about left lane as a passing lane (not surprising, as Germans’ favorite hobby is following rules). Despite a flow of traffic speed of 85-100 mph, a BMW 750i will come out of nowhere and be right on you flashing his lights so he can pass you at 120 mph. Surprisingly, when this happens people just move over. No one gets shot or anything.

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