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Doctors want to kill me

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People who are cool with going to the doctor

People who think that getting blood drawn might actually kill them

So here’s a shot aimed squarely at myself.  I had to go to the doctor this morning to have some blood drawn.  This appointment has been on the books since about 10 days ago, meaning that I had 9 days to imagine just how bad it was going to be when the nurse started fishing around in the crook of my elbow for an un-findable vein, eventually moving the needle around so much that it would cut my arm in half and send a blood shower across the room.

The events that transpired this morning were a little less exciting than I had originally imagined.

My doctor

In case you were wondering who I’m expecting to see in the exam room when I’m sitting in a hospital…

I am a complete chicken when it comes to doctors and hospitals.  I build it up in my mind that everything is going to hurt super bad, that little needles are going to tear my flesh open, that when I stick my tongue out and say, “Ahh,” the doctor is going to say something along the lines of, “MY GOD!  Dr. Linda Sashimi (only women and Asians get into medical school any more), get in here!  We have a case of Multiple Parkinscoliosisitis of the tongue.  We must operate now!  The procedure is going to involve tearing your arms and legs off with no anesthesia, dipping you in gasoline, and lighting you on fire as you listen to When a Man Loves A Woman.”

I am one of those people that avoids talking to the doctor about my problems because I’m worried about what the answers might be.  Sort of like those people who don’t open their bills, only it concerns my mortality.

If there are any doctors reading, I have a numbness in my left thigh.  What is it?  Only tell me if it’s not serious.  Otherwise, I’d honestly just rather have it kill me.

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February 18, 2009 | Filed Under health 

comments

8 Responses to “Doctors want to kill me”

  1. tommy on February 18th, 2009

    numbness in thigh,hmmmm, differential diagnosis….. sciatica, gangrene, osteosarcoma, chondrosarcoma, physical deconditioning, rhabdomyolysis…..only 4 of those will kill you. Drawing blood is about the least invasive medical thing I can think of, not gonna do well with the prostate check are ya?

  2. Evan on February 18th, 2009

    I guess I should have expected this to happen.

    For the least-invasive category, I prefer the lice check, reflex check, ear check, nose check, lumps in the neck check, things like that. Those seem pretty non-invasive and I’m sure doctors learn all sorts of interesting things from them.

    I’d say the next level of invasion would be a tie between drawing blood and coughing while holding my junk.

    The rest of it, I get free drugs for. No complaints there.

    There, ladies and gentlemen, is the world of medicine, according to me.

  3. Eugenio on February 18th, 2009

    meralgia paresthetica… I will let you stew from here

  4. Jess on February 20th, 2009

    Maybe you can get lucky and get whatever House had and the ladies will throw themselves at your cranky self. Bonus, you get to eat vicodin like skittles.

    Mmmm skittles.

    Luckily, he too believes that there are two types of people in the world: idiots and liars. Unfortunately, these are the only two categories in his world.

  5. Nic Chimenti on February 20th, 2009

    I try to let as few drug dealers as possible handle me within a given period of time, so I definitely only go to doctors when absolutely necessary.

    Haven’t been to a health facility (other than optometrist and dentist) since Zerfoss freshman year when I had mono.

  6. Kate on February 21st, 2009

    I don’t like this picture. It scares me. Because of this I am prevented from reading previous posts. What can be done about this, Evan???

  7. Evan on February 23rd, 2009

    Kate – I’m sorry to hear that. For your delicate sensibilities, might I recommend http://www.nickelodeon.com?

  8. Garrett F on March 11th, 2009

    R.I.P. TATTOPITW

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