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When You Eat, I Can't

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Dre: People who always eat in a way other people find revolting

Eminem: People who occasionally eat in a way other people find revolting

Do you have any friends who bring out the best in your gag reflex when they eat? You know, I’m talking about the people who chew with their mouthes open, get a meat ‘n 3 and blend it all together, or worse yet, the people who become food cannons when they talk to you? Some people are just disgusting when they sit down for a meal, and that’s what makes the rest of us genetically superior, right?

We are more refined. We don’t sip on our straw after a fresh mouthful of mashed potatoes, at best case leaving a globule of starch on the end of the straw and worst case starting a spud titration in our beverage. We chew enough times to avoid a choking hazard, have a sip of our drinks; maybe have a short talk with food perched on the end of our forks before continuing. Sneaking food into our mouthes during long vowels in the midst of conversation is not abiding by the rules, so we’re not going to do it. When someone asks us a question while we’re eating, we put up a “1 second” finger and bug our eyes out, feigning embarrassment, but again not breaking simple etiquette.

There are also those people who talk with their mouthes full, but do so behind the magic finger curtain (people who “cover” their mouthes so you can’t see the cud while they’re explaining something to you). They think they’re following the rules, but with any imagination and 20/20 vision, you can imagine what’s going on behind those fingers and often see some mouth confetti falling out under the hand of deception. Please stop this terrible practice. Often enough, people don’t give a damn what you have to say in the first place, and they’re certainly not hearing you when you use your food blast shield.

But is it really true the rest of us abide by this high standard all of the time? What about those meals where you’re home alone or just grabbing a snack at the mall? I know that’s when I break down:

I’ve recently taken to the European phenomenon of eating my fries with mayonnaise. To most red-blooded and red-condimented Americans, this is already a class 1 offense, but in my most private fry-eating moments, particularly with high surface area papas fritas like those available at Chick-Fil-A, I have begun doing direct package-to-fry condiment distribution. As if sopping up mayo in the grid of a waffle fry wasn’t disgusting enough, people have to watch me squeeze my pillow of flavor onto this fry like it’s toothpaste, and yes, I can feel the eyes. It’s particularly bad when I don’t get a clean tear on the corner and an entire side of the packet is open like a nasty wound. Then it gets really messy. I do want to tell these people that I’m not normally like this, but by that time the fry is in the mouth, and the ritual has begun on another. I can’t help myself, and I can’t stop.

So I guess the moral of the story is that while I am clearly more refined than most others (just look at the evidence, people), I can slum it from time to time. Much like how I am intimately familiar with black struggles in America because I occasionally spin some hip hop, I can relate to our bad habited brethren because I do let my hair down. It’s not something I’m always proud of, but I do my best to stay in touch with all reaches of humanity.

What is your “out of body” habit?

p.s. – I can’t say that my goal in this wasn’t to make you puke. Now you know how I feel.

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September 18, 2008 | Filed Under food and eating 

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