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Solids: People who eat the last chip

Stripes: People who break the last chip in half

I have to admit: I am a chip breaker. I will keep breaking that last chip in half until I get to the molecular level, and I’m not sorry about this. The way I see it, as long as I keep breaking the chip, I’m giving the waiter enough time to come by and offer one of the many questions in life people never say no to: “More chips?” This question has good company with “More money?”, “More sex?”, and “Less Barbara Walters?”. In fact, questions like these are so obvious, I’m not even sure why they’re even asked.

On the other hand, nobody likes the guy who takes the last chip. I use “guy” here purposefully: people hate the guy who obnoxiously takes the last chip, but they just feel sorry for the girl who does, unless she’s hot. Some might call this sexist, but we all know who those people are.

Taking the last chip says a lot about someone (or maybe it just says one of many things, including):

  • “I threw a winning touchdown pass in a varsity football game and won regionals, bitch.”
  • “I am accomplished in my career: I manage no less than five people who hate their lives as a direct result of my personality.”
  • “I am a suburban mom and will eat all of these chips just to piss my husband off until my next glass of Chardonnay gets to the table. Oooh, that waiter is cute.”

I think it’s relatively accurate to say if you’ve found someone who is a last chip eater, you’ve found an asshole. Many of the world’s problems are directly caused by last chip eaters. You can probably even identify the type just thinking about it:

Gengis Khan – last chip
Mohandas Ghandi – chip breaker
Dick Cheney – last chip
Barack Obama – chip breaker
Hilary Clinton – last chip
Jon Stewart – chip breaker
Bill Maher – last chip
Tiger Woods – chip breaker
Phil Mickelson – last chip
John Daly – just drinks the cheese dip
Jesus – fed 50 people with one fish, what do you think?

Among friends, the dynamic can be a little different. Last chip eating can happen, but it doesn’t happen without a call-out. Sometimes there’s an offer: “do you want the last chip?” No, you fat ass. You don’t mean that. Just eat it. I think that situations like these can be life-enriching, but don’t try to take this practice out of your circle of friends: you’ll just look like a jerk.

I grew up with a last chip eater in the house. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.

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September 12, 2008 | Filed Under food and eating 

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