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People who brush their teeth after lunch

People who are not hypochondriacs with more than 35 boy scout achievement badges

There are two situations I can think of that would call for brushing your teeth after lunch:

  1. Your dentist told you that your teeth are going to fall out of your head if you don’t
  2. You’re having an office affair (which is in its early stages)

Maybe someone could help me out with this, but I am at a loss. When I walk into an office restroom, I’m always surprised to see someone in there brushing their teeth. For one thing, I would never brush my teeth in an office bathroom. I think that office bathrooms are disgusting, particularly the sink area, where there is always some sort of a meniscus-bound pool of water surrounding the sink, ready to attack anyone’s pants who leans toward the mirror to check out that fresh zit on their nose right before their quarterly review. Well, I can’t say I feel sorry for you and your new wet spot: that’s what you get for checking your pores and wearing pleats.

People have turned into cats, constantly cleaning, grooming, moisturizing, sanitizing, purifying, organic-izing everything we do. I was driving around yesterday with some people in the car who were talking about sharing the wine cup at church with other people. These are the same people who will hold up a bottled water, still sealed, and ask, “How old is this water?” I think that worrying about drinking out of a shared cup at church is a little too “clean”. I think we need to be a little more natural. We weren’t made to sanitize all the time. Our bodies are engineered to take the crap the world gives us.
Side-Brush-Cats-Teeth
The day Fluffy broke the silence: “Bitch, you need a man!”

A great example of a hero of mine is my cousin, who just had a baby about a year and a half ago. Every time the baby spits his pacifier out on the ground, it gets a little wipe on the shirt and it goes right back into baby’s mouth. Now, most people have a 5-stage pacifier detoxification and ionization process every time the thing makes contact with worldly air, but this baby gets a little grit every time he drops his pacifier, teaching the dual lessons of “you spit, you eat dirt”, and “tough it out, baby body”. We aint’ raisin’ no sissy. Some would want to call child services, but those are the parents with the kids who are allergic to their own eyelashes and have to pay $1,000 a month for dodgeball therapy.

I think that we need to get a little tougher here in America. The phobias of uncleanliness need to subside: my sources tell me that half of America’s health issues are related to “over cleaning”. That is a staggering statistic. Ok, it’s not technically a “statistic”, but it could be true.

If you’re brushing your teeth at lunch, I hope she’s worth it.

p.s. – water doesn’t go bad, in case you were wondering, dumbass.

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October 6, 2008 | Filed Under food and eating 

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