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Deathmatch: Hot Fudge vs. Caramel Sundae

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People who eat the hot fudge variety of sundae

People who eat the caramel variety of sundae

There are times that I look at people and classify them in odd ways (if you can imagine that).  For example, sometimes I’ll look at a person and say, “Hey, I bet he’s a tater tots person or she’s a french fries girl.”  To my credit, I’m right 97% of the time (although I have no data to support that).

So here’s the rub: I find myself classifying people as “caramel sundae” people only when there’s something a little “off” about that person.  You know what I mean.  The kind of person who eats a caramel sundae just because it’s the type of sundae that other people don’t eat.  The nonconformists who have incidentally become conformists of a different kind, because there are so many of them.  They’re the long-haired dudes, the computer programmers into naked raves, the mixed-media artists who glue a pack of frozen turkey bacon to a canvas and call it a political statement and who have 7 fans / family members who acknowledge the brilliance of their work years after they die from snorting Pixie Stix.

The classic sundae is, of course, hot fudge.  If you’re a hot fudge sundae eater, you are a gathered person with good taste who doesn’t pair the bright orange cummerbund with your tuxedo, but who realizes it’s better to be sharp and blend in than to get cute with it and have people point at you from across the room.  The caramel sundae eater, in essence, is a caramel person because they do not want to be a hot fudge person, which is just ridiculous and puerile, like a suburban teenager buying clothes from Hot Topic just to piss her parents off, when she’d rather just get J Crew in the first place.

I have tasted both, and here is what I have concluded:

  • Hot fudge is the vastly superior flavor, and is immensely classy
  • Caramel’s first bite has a lot of promise, but by bite 5, you want to throw it at someone.  It’s like a sugar lick
  • If you eat a caramel sundae slowly, it will start to harden back into the horse hoof from whence it was made
  • Hot fudge retains its structure as it cools, and can even be put in the freezer overnight for later enjoyment
  • If you leave a spoon in a caramel sundae and store it in the freezer overnight, that spoon will become Excalibur, extricable only by a natural-born king

Now I have to clarify: I do like caramel.  I’ll pop Rolos like you wouldn’t believe.  But when it comes to what goes on my soft serve, Caramel has to know its role and disappear back into the purses and pockets of retirees.

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July 9, 2009 | Filed Under food and eating 

comments

2 Responses to “Deathmatch: Hot Fudge vs. Caramel Sundae”

  1. Heather on July 14th, 2009

    I am a caramel sundae person. I choose it, not to be different, but because hot fudge is just boring. Caramel is so much more interesting and I happen to like when it gets all cold & stretchy.

    It doesn’t surprise me that you’re a hot fudge person.

  2. Evan on July 14th, 2009

    You know how little kids always think they know everything and then they grow up years later and realize that they’ve gained wisdom and have a different way of looking at the world?

    You’ll grow up soon.

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