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A new year, a new diet, a new failure

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People who start the new year with a ridiculous diet and/or exercise regimen

People who are still sticking to their diet and/or exercise on January 9th

I owe many, many people credit for this idea (through their actions, not conscious recommendations), but just one person lit the fuse a few days ago.  In fact, I’m meeting this person for lunch today, so we had to plan accordingly.  I would usually embellish this part, saying that we have to go to a restaurant that serves raw chicken meat and slices of american cheese with a nice glass of fiber-max colon blaster, but we’re actually going to a normal restaurant where, doubtlessly, a somewhat awkward and uncomfortable order will be placed.  Or, it would be awkward, but the waiters probably get special training at the end of December for this sort of thing.

I’ll have one ham and cheese sandwich, hold the bread, cut the cheese into 1/4″ cubes, and trim the edges off the ham, wrapped in a whole-wheat pita pocket dipped in water.  No, wait, Oprah said soy paper.  And a side salad with a 1/64th teaspoon of no-fat ranch dressing, seeds removed from the tomatoes, and croutons made from compressed prunes.  And a 64 oz. diet coke.  Oh, and can I go ahead and pre-order the key lime pie now?

I’ve been long confused (and once drawn in) by diets that are dreamed up by people whose brains produce the same output as the south end of a northbound elephant.  I tried the no-carb thing for about 32 minutes last year.  It didn’t work out for me.

But there are so many people who give these zero-something diets a shot each January.  Zero carbs, zero fat, or zero protein.  Considering that there are three nutritional things that your body needs to survive, and these just happen to be the three, it strikes me as a little strange that we try this stuff out, but we do. I honestly have never met a single person who stuck to one of these zero-diets and didn’t end up in the doctor’s office with fragile bones, sleepless nights, or a major toilet issue.  I’m not prepared, personally, to trade food for any of those three things.

But I suppose I should wish you all good luck.  Good luck with your zero diets.  Good luck with your Tae-Bo, volume 23.  Good luck with your office-chair kegel exercises and your 7-minute abs.  Good luck with Tony Little, Susan Powder, Richard Simmons, Chuck Norris, or whoever becomes the next celebrity home fitness guru with absurd hair.  You’re going to need it.

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January 8, 2009 | Filed Under food and eating 

comments

7 Responses to “A new year, a new diet, a new failure”

  1. Heather on January 8th, 2009

    Damn, I forgot my Key Lime Pie!!!

  2. Jess on January 8th, 2009

    Zero meat for 12 yrs; Zero caffeine for 5 yrs; Zero fun for 27 yrs ;)
    Seriously tho, you’re totally right on this one. Completely denying yourself anything that you’re used to enjoying is just dooming your diet to failure.
    It’s all about controlling yourself from overeating. You can have a doughnut (or, in your case, fried fish with weird white fat filled topping and cheese), just cut down how many, then how often. There’s no big, long term secret short of surgery or wiring your mouth shut. Eat less, work out.

  3. Evan on January 8th, 2009

    Jess. 12 + 5 is not 27.

    And don’t ever talk about my Filet-o-fish like that.

  4. Jess on January 8th, 2009

    Oh please, I was no fun before I went vegetarian and you know this.

  5. Heather R on January 8th, 2009

    Jess I compleatly agree.

  6. Sierra on January 8th, 2009

    Do other people do office-chair Kegels?

  7. Garrett F on January 8th, 2009

    Gross

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