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Sports Fans . . . you look completely retarded

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People who express their support for a sports team in healthy ways.

The average American sports fan.

With the college football national championship behind us and another Utah scandal brewing (a 13-0 ratio of wins to losses edging out their 12-1 ratio of wives to husbands), it’s time to take a look at the American sports fan – a rare mix of zeal, obesity, and outfits that make Richard Simmons look like Clint Eastwood.

sports fans

One of these people is a sports fan, and the other is preparing to kill a gazelle and complete his rite of passage.  Can you tell who is who?  Hint: one looks like he’s already eaten a gazelle for breakfast, so it’s probably not him.

Nothing will change the course of history less than a football game.  So what is wrong with us that we make such idiots of ourselves in the name of sports?  I think I have it figured out:

Americans like people who can have sex with anyone they want, and we do whatever is possible to become a part of that institution. It applies in the opposite direction, too.  Why do you think we make fun of the theater dorks in college, and now we hang on every word of Sean Penn’s astute political advice?  Why do we stuff that kid that plays trumpet in a locker, only to go to his jazz concerts and get his autograph 20 years later? Why do we listen to sports analyses like “110%”, “leave it on the field”, “and “they just outplayed them” and think that these are glimpses into the genius of the athelete’s mind?  ”They outplayed them?”  Are you kidding me?  Someone let cancer know we’re about to outplay it.  All it takes is heart, right?

So really, this all just boils down to living vicariously through something we really only have a relationship with through clothing, vehicle accessories, and of course, food.  Someone sent me this picture last week:

gator doughnut

If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, eat this doughnut.  That should fix it.  Forever.

It’s an orange and blue doughnut, which I’m sure would have the same effect on you as washing your hair with CLR for a year.  And while this doughnut says, “I’m willing to get cancer to support my team,” sports fans really don’t have to go that far.  There are tons of other pastries that won’t take a 12 years off your life, but are still a light and fluffy symbol that this party is hosted by someone who might not be able to point to Europe on a map, but can tell you the third-string quarterback’s home town.  And can’t point to that on a map, either.

Tennessee Cake

Tennessee cake – $45.  
Career-limiting facial hair – $0.
Wedding in a log cabin – $400.  
Drunk wedding photographer taking pictures at a 12-degree angle – $250.
Toasting to your future with plastic solo cups – $8.   
A blank stare on your wife’s face for the next 50 years – priceless. 

And how about this: isn’t it odd how much sports inspire people to put dumb crap on their heads?

sooners fan
“Has anyone seen my baseball?”

green-bay1

basketball head
“Grrrrr!  I’m a moron!”

football head

Do I like sports?  Yes.  Am I going to make myself look like a complete idiot?  Um . . . do you get more sex?

January 12, 2009 | Filed Under sports | 11 Comments 

Team Pride vs. School Pride

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People who are proud of their school

People who are proud of their school’s team

First, an apology: I’m sorry that I went AWOL yesterday: I have another cold. Apparently, I’ve turned into the boy in a bubble and I get sick every time I’m within 100 feet of a sick person or bird poop or you name it. This sucks. And I’m still sick, but I’m going to man up and write a post today.

Moving right along: are these two different types of people? Yes.

Think of it this way: when you tell people where you went to school, do they say, “oh, [university] is having a great season”, or do they say, “what do you do for a living?” ‘Nuff said.

Let me make my point another way, real quick like:

The first result I get on a Google Images search for Harvard is:

350px-Harvard_u

Look at these pansy bitches becoming the leaders of the most powerful nation on earth. Losers.

And a search for “University of Alabama”, first result:

Alabama_Crimson_Tide_al30_large

This elephant never forgets how to beat your ass, or if you want fries with that.

Now before you start to bring it, let me explain to you team-lovers why this is.

1) Good schools are bad at sports, with one exception: Duke basketball. Some schools might pop up out of nowhere from time to time and have a good season, but they never stay on top, again minus Duke. Damn outlier.

2) People who went to good schools cheat on their team on Saturdays. Nearly everyone I know who went to a good school who likes sports wore a different shirt on Saturday.

3) I am right.

So the point is this: don’t confuse team pride with school pride. School pride is for doctors, lawyers, senators, and judges. Team pride is for everyone, even if you didn’t go to a school.

Any comments, sukkas?

I just put this bookmarking and whatever thingy up. Please digg the post if you liked it. It’ll let more people like it. Click below and make me famous!

October 28, 2008 | Filed Under in general, sports | 1 Comment 

Tiger [in the] Woods

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People who are good at golf

People who say “GIT IN THE HOLE!” at a golf tournament, especially on a par 5 tee

OK, once more in honor of the golf tournament this weekend, this is one of those topics that needs to be covered. I am sick of people yelling “get in the hole” every time a professional golfer makes contact, and sometimes during their practice swings. The ball is not going to get in the hole. Especially off of a tee box on a par 4, and especially, especially on a par 5. If you say “get in the hole” on a tee shot on a par 5, you should be shot where you stand.

large_tiger
When fans act like idiots, Tiger’s knee hurts

I can imagine that professional golfers fall into 2 camps when these people open their mouthes. Camp 1, who thinks that they’re being paid a lot of money to entertain these Crisco-for-brains fans and they’ll be happy that someone’s cheering for them, and camp 2, who complains every time these people talk or when a leaf moves or when an ant farts or when their shoelace slips . . . oh wait: camp 2 is just Woody Austin.

When these people are not watching professional golfers, they are weekend golfers who still say completely ridiculous things, my favorite of which is “Nice shot”, “You killed that one”, and “awesome”, as a good golfer’s shot goes curving into a lake or the middle of the woods. For many bad golfers, simply making the club touch the ball seems to be the goal, but for other people it also has something to do with where the ball goes afterwards. So please, keep your damn mouth shut at least until the ball starts coming back toward earth. A shot might be awesome in its first 18 feet of flight, but a lot can happen afterwards, and it makes pros and decent amateurs alike want to kill you with your own 3-year-old glove, if it didn’t have so many holes in it and if the leather wouldn’t crumble like a potato chip when bent.

Truthfully, I’d rather just go un-complimented during a round of golf. Compliments don’t seem to happen in other places: guys don’t feel comfortable complimenting each other in most sports. If some dude can throw a football, nobody is going to say “wow, nice arm.” In manspeak, that roughly translates to “take your shirt off and I’ll go change into my jean shorts”. So why this reverence for the golfer?

This is a petition to the world: please stop saying, “get in the hole” at golf tournaments. Please stop celebrating contact. Do you cheer every time a basketball player shoots the ball, or when he makes it? Do you yell “TOUCHDOWN!!!” every time there’s a kickoff at a football game? No. I encourage you to exercise the same judgment when watching golf, please.

September 30, 2008 | Filed Under sports | Leave a Comment 

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