People who think John McCain is going to destroy America

Happy election day!  To celebrate the many friendships and bonds that will be ruined by people’s political leanings today, TATTOPITW is going to offer a quick breakdown of the candidates.

Barack Obama

Hey, Robin Hood, how’s it goin’, good buddy?

So, why is Barack Obama going to destroy America?  Well, for one thing, look at the people he regularly hangs out with!  According to Fox News, Barack has a nightly bridge game with Reverend Wright, the Fannie and Freddie guys, and Dr. Kevorkian; who all discuss how to make America better between deals.  Occasionally, Darth Vader will drop by and play a few rounds before returning to the death star.

Obama gets economic advice from Bill Maher, marital advice from Bill Clinton, and military advice from his 4 year old daughter.  He wants every woman in the country to have at least 4 abortions by age 19.  He is a practicing radical Muslim. He is unfit to lead.

Obama’s military strategy will be to distribute notes like these to superpowers:

Change indeed, but is this change we can trust?  I think not.

John McCain

John McCain…where do we start?  Well for one thing, you’re old as shit and your second string sounds like reruns of Bobby comics.

John wants to reward oil companies with billions of dollars every time they extinguish a species of rare bird, and wants to ship all of the jobs in America to India.  John wants everyone with a sore tooth to go bankrupt while he plays shuffleboard with insurance executives.

John will often ask his Straight Talk Express driver to pull over in urban areas so he can go “homeless kicking.”  This sport, invented by good friend George W. Bush, involves kicking 5 or more homeless people in under 1 minute, with 10 extra points for every homeless person kicked past 5.  John loves this sport because the homeless are usually low: laying on the ground or sitting, which doesn’t require him to raise his arms above chest-level like “immigrant maid slapping” did.

Lastly, McCain wants to continue 8 years of failed policies.  He is going to continue to run the economy into the ground.  He is going to order up even MORE category 5 hurricanes to destroy black neighborhoods.  And he is going to declare war on Western Europe, starting with Spain because they speak the same language as them Mexicans who keep hopping the fence.

This election, your choice is clear: a write-in for Jeff Foxworthy.