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My PT Cruiser Can Do 0-60. Period.

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People who put racing stripes on a fast car

People who put racing stripes on an extraordinary shit box

Here’s the rule: if your car isn’t fast enough to even be capable of causing a moving traffic violation, it should not have stripes, flames, a spoiler, or any type of exhaust modification. Period.

I was in traffic the other day when I saw a Mustang with racing stripes. I was far enough behind the car that I noticed its single tailpipe — the V6 version that burns through less rubber than an academic achievement fraternity (think about it…harder…aah! you got it!). Now, if you want to throw some stripes on your GT or your Cobra, or whatever Milwaukee’s Best soaked chariot you chose, that’s fine. At least those stripes signal that the car can move quickly and that you are the one who should be arrested. And in the case of the Mustang or a Corvette, those racing stripes are probably at least partially responsible for holding your plastic car together, which I can’t fault you for. You paid for the whole thing, so you may as well not scatter parts of it in front of Cracker Barrel billboards on 75 S.

Seeing this car gave me flashbacks of a number of cars I’ve seen with these types of decorations. Unfortunately, I neglected to get a picture of any of them, but I’m relatively confident I can get Google to help me out on a couple. Here we go:

toyota-stripes

Those are not race times on the passenger door; that’s a shopping list.


pt-cruiser-flames

This actually isn’t a paint job. This is a PT Cruiser trying to kill its own driver.

Now, I want to be clear about something. I don’t think that any car is inherently ridiculous (ok, I lied). I think that people buy their cars like they buy their dogs. Cars are a reflection of your personality. The guy in the Porsche RS is a driver. The girl in the Prius cares about the planet (and not so much about the quality of her driving, or the planet, either, since the Prius is an ecological disaster with those batteries being shipped across the world). The dude in the Wagoneer has a sense of nostalgia and class. The girl in the Wrangler is fun and lets her hair down. The dude in the Volvo is saying, “Cars aren’t important to me.” . . .  with his car.

But consider what your dog would say about you if you bought a Pomeranian, put a muzzle on it, and walked to a Greyhound race with your speed-mouse in tow? How would your Attack Pug communicate your sense of self-worth and security? And people would almost certainly be disturbed if you put a sticker down the side of your dachshund that said…”dachshund.”

dachshund

So, can we please end the nonsense identity crises with our cars? Buy what you want, buy what you care about. And then be realistic about your purchase.

May 10, 2010 | Filed Under in cars | 3 Comments 

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