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Here’s to the weirdos, in general

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People who do completely random, unexplainable nonsense

The rest of us

I was struggling with what to write about today until just now.  Sometimes you come across someone who is just completely off the farm, and that just happened for me.

I have had about 4 tall glasses of water this morning and I’ve been peeing like a middle-aged mom on a road trip.  I just took my second trip to the room where people rest and here’s what I saw:

  1. Man is washing his hands – ok, this is pretty normal
  2. Man is about 5′3″ with enormous ears and a humpty dumpty build – I’m thinking this guy has got to be funny to witness, shame he’s on his way out
  3. Man flicks wrists to get rid of water, skips paper towels – a bit unusual to leave your hands wet
  4. Man walks over to urinal next to me – huh, peeing after the hand wash?  And with wet hands? Not on his way out, after all.
  5. Man angles himself 45-degrees away from me – there is a divider: nothing can be seen, yet he feels the need to angle so far away he’s practically peeing on the wall.  If he aims himself back at the urinal from this extreme angle, there’s a serious possibility he’ll wee right into one of his pleats.
  6. Man pees for literally 0.068 seconds.  Like a single shot of a water pistol you bought at Wal Mart hitting a wall.
  7. Man zips his fly up so fast I almost yelped.  The zipper sounded like a Hollywood laser gun.  This zipper velocity is a risk no man I know would ever take – there is nothing on earth that warrants rushing the zipper.  We’ve all seen Something About Mary.
  8. Man walks away from the urinal, and goes into a stall.  I start looking for hidden cameras and Ashton Kutcher.  What in the hell is happening in this bathroom?
  9. Man closes stall door and locks it.  Toilet paper roll makes its signature sound. Once more.  Nothing.  Door unlocks.  Man walks out.  Man leaves bathroom.  No second hand-wash.

It took me about 20 seconds to notice that I had stopped peeing, I was spellbound.  I had just witnessed “bathroom in reverse.”

So today, it’s just the freaks vs the rest of the population.  Thanks for making our lives that much more interesting.

August 11, 2009 | Filed Under health | 3 Comments 

Where emails go to die

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People who use flagging or another system to keep track of emails that need a response

People who trust their own memory and instincts to get them through the week

Here is one of the big office truths: we are all morons incapable of remembering the simplest things.  Seriously.  All of us forget no less than 27 things we’re supposed to do every day.  9,742 a day if you’re a big idiot.

Microsoft, in an uncharacteristic moment of brilliance, invented “flags” for emails. Granted, in a more characteristic moment of dumbassery, they decided to let you use 5 different colors of flags (and concluded that one color is best again in 2007), but the flag is a wonderful, wonderful, underutilized thing.

Flags say, “Hey dumbass, don’t forget about me,” without the nagging boldness of an unread email.  While several people use the “Mark Unread” technique, it is clearly inferior: I know you’ve read that email 132 times and had to mark it unread every time saying, “Oh yeah, that’s important, but not right now.  Let me hide it in a population of other emails that will look the same when I come back and try to find this one.”  The problem is that you can’t tell the difference between these unread emails and your legit unread emails, so you’re just playing pop-a-mole with your emails until you get over your laziness and actually do one of these things you’re being asked to do.

But there is another whole population of people who uses no method of flagging emails whatsoever.  They will read an email, intend to follow up on it, and will forget about it for the rest of their lives.  Like an ad for a charity.  Not using a system is a guarantee that 65% of the people you work with think you’re a forgetful moron.  The other 35% are just as checked out as you are.

Start using your email flags and set up a filter that shows you just flagged emails.  Not only will you thank me, but everyone else will too.  And you’ll probably get a promotion out of it because you’ll finally be doing something other than panning for email gold every time you open Outlook.

August 10, 2009 | Filed Under at work | 3 Comments 

Supersize me

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People actively trying to get thinner

People actively trying to get fatter

I’ve been on a bit of a health kick lately and when I was reflecting on lbs. past this morning (I’ve lost about 19 oz. in the last month – one step at a time), I realized something.  You’re either actively trying to get fitter, or actively trying to get fatter.  There is no in-between.  There is no actively trying to stay the same.

I know this because I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.  I have the, “Holy crap, I’m fat and lazy and have a resting heart rate of a hummingbird on meth and I’m in my late 20s and my dad is in better shape than I am and I’m going to die before my parents and miss out on the inheritance,” days.  Hopefully, those days are behind me.  Right now, I’m having the, “I am going to bike 100 miles a week for the rest of my life, have washboard abs, and not look like a Swiffer commercial where the thin, cute wife has a bald, fat husband with heart disease in a bright yellow shirt stretched over man boobs.”  Seriously, pay more attention to the next Swiffer ad.

When you’re in “get fatter” mode, you’re just telling yourself that you enjoy eating out and good food and who gives a crap if you have a little plump around you.  Then you realize that you can actually hear your own heartbeat after you finish eating a steak and you can see a vein in your leg pulsing as your heart struggles to get oxygen to your ever-expanding empire of fat.  Sort of like ancient Rome, your expansionist ways will ultimately be your undoing.

But my “get fitter” mode is also unrealistic, I fear.  I’m sort of like a kamikaze pilot about fitness, throwing myself at improving my health headlong and ultimately burning myself out.  They call people like me, “roller coaster dieters,” or something like that, because of the highs and lows.  Well, I’m back on the climb, folks.  Or is that the descent?  Which one is good?  It’s sort of like saying someone is off the wagon.  Or on the wagon…  Is the wagon good or bad?  Nobody knows.  We just know that when there’s a positive and a negative involved, we like to put people around something that rolls.

August 4, 2009 | Filed Under health | 5 Comments 

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