TATTOPITW
there are two types of people in the world – sometimes updated weekdaily

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  • My PT Cruiser Can Do 0-60. Period.
  • Here’s to the weirdos, in general
  • Where emails go to die
  • Supersize me
  • Does anyone seriously need that much wintery chill?
  • Its rediculous when you’re spelling get’s in the way
  • Have you ever been stall-ked?
  • How a clarinet can destroy a life
  • I’m sure your zero friends are impressed by your income
  • Great email signatures

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  • “2″ is code for “make everyone hate me” (4.71 out of 5)
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Does anyone seriously need that much wintery chill?

People who eat the small peppermint patties

People who eat the huge peppermint patties

You know when you go to a gas station and they have the huge, cheeseburger-sized peppermint patties?  Who in the hell can eat one of those things?  It’s like a little mint pizza, and I get a wintery-fresh gag reflex just thinking about mint pizza.  Sorry.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll pop a little peppermint patty like a gorilla pops ants off a stick. They’re delicious little guys, but I’m definitely going to max out at 1.5 to 2 of them.  I could never deal with the peppermint frisbee: it’s just over the top.

After you finish your candy, you can tear the package open and have one of those shiny post-marathon blankets to keep your shoulders warm.

I just think that part of the magic of candy is proper sizing.  Candy makers have to size the candy just right so when you finish it, you’re either satisfied or you exercise poor judgment in buying another bar / bag.  Once you’ve started on that second bar, you realize your mistake, but you blame yourself, not the candy.  When you eat a large peppermint patty, you say, “Good Messiah, I’m not eating another one of these for at least 6 months.”  Candy’s fault.  Candy suffers.  Snickers has sold 2 bars in one day to one person, and York is going to sell 2 mint moon pies in a year.

Its rediculous when you’re spelling get’s in the way

People who can spell

People who can’t spell

Question: Do you know what word is always spelled incorrectly?  Read on for the answer.

Something you might find surprising is the lack of a tight correlation between intelligence and spelling.  There are plenty of smart people that just can’t spell, and unfortunately it dulls their ability to look smart.  That’s okay, because it makes me look that much better.  Boo ya.

Anyhow, I thought I would let you in on a private exercise I go through when I see common spelling mistakes.  It’s fun for me, and I hope it will be fun for you, too.  Let’s look at an example…

So, let’s say I see the following in an email:

Its rediculous that their going to France again this year.

In my head, I say:

The repeated diculous that is owned by it that again they possess a “going to France” this year.

In essence, I’m translating what they’ve said into a literal format, taking into account the spelling mistakes. Yay! Fun for the whole family.

The three points of Poseidon’s trident of spelling have to be it’s/its, your/you’re, and their/they’re/there.  Not other words are used in the wrong places more often than these three, and no misuse of words can make a person look dumber.  We also have whose/who’s, let’s/lets, and the slew of acronyms that people think possess something untold.  You do not own a bunch of CD’s.  You own CDs.  Actually, you hopefully own an iPod at this point. Way to skirt that one.

If you want to get ahead in this life, take some time to work on your spelling and make sure that you never go without fixing your spelling and grammar.  If the content is gold, it won’t matter if you don’t get these basics right.  Trust me.  I’m judging you.

TATTOPITW gives back.

Oh yeah, the answer: “incorrectly.”  You had to know that was coming.

Have you ever been stall-ked?

People who go back to their desks when the bathroom stalls are all taken

People who hang out in the bathroom – “stall-kers”

There are few places in the world that are less comfortable for all involved than the bathroom.  I can’t speak for the women’s room, where it seems a live taping of Oprah is always taking place, but in the men’s room, protocol is to avoid talking, eye contact, friendliness, etc.  Of course, there is always that one guy who talks from inside the stall, but he’s an outlier.

Given this general level of discomfort in the men’s room, I’m always a little unnerved to see someone waiting in the bathroom when all of the stalls are taken.  Most people choose to turn back around and come back later, or even try another floor of the office building, but the few who stallk are definitely a different breed.  They’re either having a minor emergency, or they’re just strangely okay with hanging out in the bathroom and facing the inevitable event of walking right into the fresh aftermath of someone’s dietary mistakes.

The worst thing is when you’re the one being stallked.  That’s pretty embarrassing and I used to just say, “excuse me,” or something to that effect when passing the stallker, but I’ve figured lately that if these people are that awkward, I might as well keep it that way and say something to make them uncomfortable.  Lately, I’ve been testing the reactions to the following rendezvous statements:

• “Enjoy…”
• “You might want to give it a second.”
• I might make gagging sounds or a few coughs on the way out.
• “Beat that.”

Try one of these out this week and tell me what happened.

How a clarinet can destroy a life

People who were in the high school band

People who were not in the high school band.

nuff said.

I’m sure your zero friends are impressed by your income

People who tell you how much money they have/make within 2 minutes of meeting you

People who do not lead a sad, lonely life

Last night, I went out to a fun photography meeting that happens every other Tuesday.  These are great: you get to take pictures of 2 or 3 models that they hire, learn about how to improve your photo-taking skills, enjoy meeting new (and often strange) new people, and have a few beers.  But about the meeting new people part.  There are few things I enjoy more in life than meeting a new, interesting person, and there are few things I enjoy less in life than meeting an awkward, unfriendly, or otherwise ridiculous person.

So, here I am taking pictures and drinking a few beers and meeting people, having a good time.  There’s this one guy who is going on and on about whatever at a volume that is reserved for only two things: bingo night at the retirement home or making sure that other people around you hear your whole conversation.  I’m pretty sure the conversation was about doing something unfriendly or making fun of a homeless person, which is not funny unless that homeless person used to work on Wall Street.

After listening to this guy go on and on like a flock of angry geese, I’m nearby and decide to do the right thing and introduce myself to him, just to make sure I’m not judging him pre-emptively.  Here’s what I found out in the next 3 minutes:

• He works at a prestigious company
• Most people wouldn’t understand what he does
• He is mean to the people who work for him
• He makes several hundred thousand dollars, and his boss made $3 million last year
• He doesn’t have any more time for me

A very stimulating conversation, indeed.  I did let him know that I write a blog and was once offered $50 / month to advertise on my site.  I think he was impressed and wants to be my friend, but instead of waiting to find out, I went and took a pee.  Guess I’ll never know.

To me, the adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” is misleading.  I think it should be, “If at first you don’t succeed, try again, but differently.”  It might lack the ring of the original, but people with particularly awful personalities should learn that they remain friendless because of how they are trying. They shouldn’t stop trying, but they should definitely avoid trying again in the same fashion.  While I’d typically say on this blog that these people are destined to die alone with their cats, I’ll take a softer approach today:

They’re likely to die alone with their cats.

Great email signatures

People who sign emails appropriately

People who sign emails in ridiculous, awkward, or purely idiotic ways

This was an idea floating around in my head for a while, and I didn’t quite know how to articulate it until a good friend of mine brought up a great example.  Apparently, he has a co-worker who signs his email:

Cheers,
Phil “Summer’s Eve” McCracken

The catch (and why I embellished his name a bit), is that this guy is not British, and uses the word “cheers” in his closing statements.  The guy had been on a study abroad or long vacation in the UK and, “picked it up living with the Brits,” as I can imagine him putting it.  I’m pretty sure that there’s a direct relationship between people that use colloquialisms from outside their native land and the number of their friends who have other plans the same weekends they plan all of their parties.

So, this got me thinking about other ways of signing emails that have seemed a little “off” over the years.  The first ones that come to mind are the people who use a little too much love in their emails:

Hey Johnny,

I was wondering when we might be able to take a look at that presentation for ABC Corp.  Can we set something up for Thursday?

Warm Regards,
Dave

Warm Regards? Are you trying to set “something up” for Thursday night over bellinis at the W Midtown?  Not interested, thank you.  I do not need any of your regards, especially not your warm ones.

Yo Pete,

Why don’t we grab a beer at the sports bar downstairs after work?

Sincerely Yours,
Frank

I appreciate the overture, Frank, but I’m pretty sure if the other people in the sports bar knew I said yes to an email signed “Sincerely Yours” from a dude, we’d both get our asses kicked.  Unless figure skating was on at said sports bar.

There are also simple mismatches that can be found in corporate communication:

Dear Mr. Southbottom,

I have been notified that your payment for the FaxPro 9000 is now 60 days overdue.  Please remit payment immediately so we can return your account to a paying status and resume business.  Failure to send payment in the next 30 calendar days will result in a call to the collections agency and a lien being placed on your business.  And we might shoot your pet beagle, Smooches.

Best Wishes,
Bill Lumbergh

I love being CCd on one of these “we will kidnap your children” emails and seeing something like “Best Wishes” at the end.  Is that like a mafia tactic?

But the absolute best email signatures, in my opinion, are the “stock” signatures people have automatically appended to the end of every email:

Hey Al,

Did you see the ass on the new intern?  If I wasn’t already cheating on my wife, I’d let her have me every day of the week except Thursdays because that’s when I have to take the 4 year old to tee ball practice.

- Fred

Psalm 23:  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

or…

Patricia,

I’m sorry to have to be the one to inform you that you are being laid off, effective 5:00 pm today.  We have determined that while you do your best, your best just isn’t good enough.  Please be sure to leave the Swingline on your desk before security comes by to escort you out.  It’s been a pleasure working with you.

Oh yeah, we just got a call that your husband was attacked by a bear and didn’t make it.  And his life insurance doesn’t cover bear attacks.

Regards,
Frank

The harder you work, the luckier you get! Have a wonderful, lucky day!

The best thing to do with these pre-packaged signatures is avoid using them.

I’ll leave you with the final version of the classic email signature. I present the graphics designer vomit, and I see way too many of these on a regular basis.  If your signature is more than 16x as large as your average email, that is a bad thing.

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Metaphors are better than butterflies on a pickup truck full of beets

People who use understandable metaphors

People who say things that make you think they’ve been huffing acetone all weekend

I love metaphors.  I love them like a fat kid loves cake (thanks, Fitty, for that one).  Metaphors are the food that nourishes the soul of conversation.  They’re as precious as diamonds but can fail worse than Clay Aiken’s heterosexuality.  They can wrap bad news in Charmin and make the most boring concepts leap to life.  Ok, you get it.  Metaphor central.

But something’s been bothering me lately.  I think the metaphor is too in-style.  People use them excessively, improperly, and in place of simple statements.  At best, people are taking about 100 words to say what could be said in 4 words (”It feels like a steaming lava sauna outside” vs. “It’s hot”), and at worst, it completely undermines an otherwise intelligent statement (”Using these colors on your web site is like eating leftover pizza with the tin foil still on.”).  If you’re a bad metaphor architect, I implore you to realize that just saying something isn’t a bad thing.  Just tell me it’s cold out, not that Chewbacca’s nipples could cut glass.  Tell me you’re busy, not that you’re being, “mortared from all directions”.  Tell me this is a summary, not a 10,000 foot view, a heads-up-display, a global view, a big picture, a wide-angle, a zoom-out, a landscape or anything else photographic.

In tracing the roots of this wave of metaphor popularity, our good friend, Dr. Phil, came to mind.  This guy has come up with some of the greatest televised verbal nonsense in history.

“Tryin’ to lose weight when you’re going through a divorce is like tryin’ to teach a duck to speak Spanish in a Canadian hospital.  I mean c’mon, people!”

I think that Dr. Phil really popularized the nonsense metaphor in the last 5 years, or so, and is responsible for a lot of people mis-wordsmithing their way through life.  I can’t say that this is always a bad thing, though, because the awkwardness that happens when someone realizes they just said a whole bunch of nonsense is just wonderful.  As I’ve said before, I have a real taste for watching people deal with the reality of their own awkwardness, so while I’d like people to start making more sense, it’s okay by me to watch the struggle every now and then.

Metaphors are a powerful and important tool today.  They’ve existed for thousands of years and have been the signature of every great thinker ever published.  Almost every great quote ever recorded is a metaphor, and I don’t see that stopping any time soon, although I do think that almost every stupid quote recorded these days is also a metaphor.  I guess, metaphorically, metaphors are a double-edged sword.

Well, I’ve got to wrap this one up like a Chinese girl’s foot.  I hope your day is better than a badger on a see saw.

Your Second Life might be working, but your first is a failure

People who are slick and suave in real life situations

People who are slick and suave in online situations (See: Dateline NBC)

One thing that all of this tweeting and facebook-ing and IM-ing and chatting and other ing’s has taught me is that people who are huge, huge, indescribably huge tools in real life are often total surfer motorcycle bar-fight ninja astronaut BADASSES online.

I used to work with a guy who was like this.  In real life, he looks like he’s only minutes away from saying, “Well, it’s been nice working with you, but I have to return to the Shire next month,” but online, he is one of the coolest people you’ve ever talked to.  I came to discover this because he added me to IM the day he started, and was chatting with me for a while before I met him.  When I met him, I had no clue who he was and literally didn’t make the connection between this person and the person I talked to on IM for a few weeks.  Sad, but true.  But if you think about it, do big tools talk about the same topics in their super badass second identities?  I figured not, which made me feel better because I really was sort of talking to two people.  They just happened to inhabit the same extremely strange body.

I got married young, so I never experienced online dating, but I’ve heard that this phenomenon is very typical in around match.com and the like.  Girl posts profile.  Girl meets boy.  Boy seems pretty cool.  Girl goes on a date with boy.  Boy is a complete freak.

I think this happens because in real life, you can’t copy and paste your verbal communication from a Men’s Health article written by the girl next door.  In the middle of your dinner, you can’t Google, “something funny to say after a girl compliments your glasses,” and then come back to the conversation 3 minutes later saying, “Sorry, the phone rang and I had to take it.  Damn guys at the Pentagon won’t leave me alone ever since I stole that fighter jet after performing open heart surgery on myself and Condoleezza Rice at the same time.”  These are, however, tools at your disposal when you’re chatting up some 7th grader online and earning your spot on Dateline NBC.

I don’t know if I really have any advice on this one other than to shave that 2″ long stray hair growing out of your left check and start talking to more people in real life.  Potentially seeing a mental health therapist if you’re one of those people who plays online games where people love “the real you” (who, is probably a person with a fox head, DD breasts, a lizard tail, and some sort of a weapon I’ve never heard of) isn’t a bad idea, either.

Deathmatch: Hot Fudge vs. Caramel Sundae

People who eat the hot fudge variety of sundae

People who eat the caramel variety of sundae

There are times that I look at people and classify them in odd ways (if you can imagine that).  For example, sometimes I’ll look at a person and say, “Hey, I bet he’s a tater tots person or she’s a french fries girl.”  To my credit, I’m right 97% of the time (although I have no data to support that).

So here’s the rub: I find myself classifying people as “caramel sundae” people only when there’s something a little “off” about that person.  You know what I mean.  The kind of person who eats a caramel sundae just because it’s the type of sundae that other people don’t eat.  The nonconformists who have incidentally become conformists of a different kind, because there are so many of them.  They’re the long-haired dudes, the computer programmers into naked raves, the mixed-media artists who glue a pack of frozen turkey bacon to a canvas and call it a political statement and who have 7 fans / family members who acknowledge the brilliance of their work years after they die from snorting Pixie Stix.

The classic sundae is, of course, hot fudge.  If you’re a hot fudge sundae eater, you are a gathered person with good taste who doesn’t pair the bright orange cummerbund with your tuxedo, but who realizes it’s better to be sharp and blend in than to get cute with it and have people point at you from across the room.  The caramel sundae eater, in essence, is a caramel person because they do not want to be a hot fudge person, which is just ridiculous and puerile, like a suburban teenager buying clothes from Hot Topic just to piss her parents off, when she’d rather just get J Crew in the first place.

I have tasted both, and here is what I have concluded:

• Hot fudge is the vastly superior flavor, and is immensely classy
• Caramel’s first bite has a lot of promise, but by bite 5, you want to throw it at someone.  It’s like a sugar lick
• If you eat a caramel sundae slowly, it will start to harden back into the horse hoof from whence it was made
• Hot fudge retains its structure as it cools, and can even be put in the freezer overnight for later enjoyment
• If you leave a spoon in a caramel sundae and store it in the freezer overnight, that spoon will become Excalibur, extricable only by a natural-born king

Now I have to clarify: I do like caramel.  I’ll pop Rolos like you wouldn’t believe.  But when it comes to what goes on my soft serve, Caramel has to know its role and disappear back into the purses and pockets of retirees.

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