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Doctors want to kill me

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People who are cool with going to the doctor

People who think that getting blood drawn might actually kill them

So here’s a shot aimed squarely at myself.  I had to go to the doctor this morning to have some blood drawn.  This appointment has been on the books since about 10 days ago, meaning that I had 9 days to imagine just how bad it was going to be when the nurse started fishing around in the crook of my elbow for an un-findable vein, eventually moving the needle around so much that it would cut my arm in half and send a blood shower across the room.

The events that transpired this morning were a little less exciting than I had originally imagined.

My doctor

In case you were wondering who I’m expecting to see in the exam room when I’m sitting in a hospital…

I am a complete chicken when it comes to doctors and hospitals.  I build it up in my mind that everything is going to hurt super bad, that little needles are going to tear my flesh open, that when I stick my tongue out and say, “Ahh,” the doctor is going to say something along the lines of, “MY GOD!  Dr. Linda Sashimi (only women and Asians get into medical school any more), get in here!  We have a case of Multiple Parkinscoliosisitis of the tongue.  We must operate now!  The procedure is going to involve tearing your arms and legs off with no anesthesia, dipping you in gasoline, and lighting you on fire as you listen to When a Man Loves A Woman.”

I am one of those people that avoids talking to the doctor about my problems because I’m worried about what the answers might be.  Sort of like those people who don’t open their bills, only it concerns my mortality.

If there are any doctors reading, I have a numbness in my left thigh.  What is it?  Only tell me if it’s not serious.  Otherwise, I’d honestly just rather have it kill me.

February 18, 2009 | Filed Under health | 8 Comments 

Need directions?

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People with a good sense of direction

People who couldn’t find their way down a hill if they were strapped to a skateboard

Do you know anyone with a terrible sense of direction?  I live with one. My wife, who I love dearly, could take a wrong turn on a chairlift.  I bought her a talking GPS for her car, and I often imagine it saying, “Shit, woman.  Where the hell are you going now?”

hiking

Come on, everyone!  This way to the bottom!

I was born, as you might expect, with an excellent sense of direction (as I was born with many gifts, you see).  Now before you go into this nonsense about how all men think they have a good sense of direction, let me stop you.  It’s true.  Your jealousy will get you nowhere.

I’ve put together the following 3-question test to help you determine if you are a good or bad navigator:

  1. Do you get off the elevator and turn the wrong direction to go to a place you’ve been before?  Score 3 points if there are elevators on both sides of the hallway.  Score 1,000 points if the elevators only let out on one side.
  2. Can you point to your mailbox from any room inside your home?  Yes?  Go check if you’re right.  No? Score 5 points.  Point in a direction more than 90-degrees off? Score 1,000 points.
  3. Have you ever actually driven or walked in a complete circle, recognizing a landmark you saw earlier?  Score 1,000,000 points.

How did you do?

February 17, 2009 | Filed Under travel | 2 Comments 

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